13 Things You Never Knew About Lori Palminteri (And Probably Don’t Want To)

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• October 8, 2019

Who is Lori Palminteri?  You probably sit around wondering this (you probably don’t, unless you’re a psycho).  Is she merely an introverted, sorely underrated comedian?  An adrenaline seeking misfit?  A socially awkward misanthrope with extraterrestrial blood running through her veins?  It’s anyone’s guess.  The young(ish) writer often bares raw truth in her comedy and writings, yet remains a mystery to most.

1. Lori Started Writing Screenplays In Middle School

And would make her friends and family be in her short films and sketches, often times against their will.  Mostly, it was her and her cousin, Brittany, writing parodies of popular TV and film.  While both Lori and Brittany never stopped laughing and joking in each other’s company, in school they were both so horribly shy, today they would be deemed as “on the spectrum.”  They used the family camera which was a giant camera that fit a VHS tape in it.  In order to edit, they would have to stop and rewind to the proper cut.  This was a frustrating process and would make Lori irate if she had to do a lot of takes.  The VHS containing hours and hours of embarrassing home made sketches was lost when the Palminteri basement flooded due to a hurricane.

2.  She Doesn’t Get A Lot Of Second Dates

Sometimes by her own admission, but Lori’s aversion to dating shows on dates.  She’s a tough crowd.  Not only does she not laugh at a date’s jokes if they’re lame, she often makes her own off color jokes and laughs to herself.  Lori is not about first impressions.  She owns the fact that she is horrible at first impressions– people often think she’s stupid or snobby but more than not she’s just spacey.  In times she’s been set up on dates, the mutual friend reported that she seemed “uninterested” or “bored” or “uncomfortable the whole time.”  The Catholic turned agnostic, turned atheist, turned back agnostic loves to bring up existential questions and ideas, psychedelic use and mental illness history.  Even though this very well may turn a conversation dark and controversial fast, she has never seen the point of trying to impress people.

3.  In Elementary School She Accidentally Gave Herself An Orgasm Climbing A Rope

Yup. You read that correctly.  It’s no secret Lori loves to climb things— and is a skilled climber.  In elementary school when she climbed up ropes in gym class, on more than one occasion, she’d be all of way at the top, legs shaking from accidentally pleasing herself.   The young Lori of course didn’t know what she was doing, but she did love climbing.  It is actually not that uncommon for very young girls to accidentally climax. Until about her mid twenties it’s all together possible that climbing ropes gave her more orgasms than men.

4.  There Was A Time In Her Life She Experienced Repeat Auditory Psychosis

Shortly before she surrendered to meds, Lori was in throes of a depressed and anxiety cycle that was slowly making her mad.  A recluse by nature, the hermit closed herself away from her social circles more and more.  One time she was in her apartment and she heard people whispering outside in the hall.  Of course, she figured it was her neighbors but when it was ongoing and she opened her door to the hallway, no one was there.  She didn’t think much of it.  Until it happened again.  And again.  And again.  These whispers were never more than that— a whisperings.  She never claimed to hear/understand what was said though she has admitted she’s heard her named whispered. Auditory Psychosis isn’t so bizarre but Lori hated the idea of being legitimately crazy.  Getting a better handle on stress and proper sleep stopped these auditory hallucinations.  Still, there’s a little part of Lori that wants to believe it’s something supernatural over a chemical imbalance.  For other members in her family have experience inexplicable happenings, but then again, they’re of the same genetic make up, so they might all be nuts.

5.  She Probably Poops More Than You Do

The 30 year old credits her shitty stomach for being leading causes of both staying thin and not being an alcoholic.  She’s had a squirrelly stomach for as long as she can remember.  Stomach issues/IBS runs in her family but she admits that some of her stomach issues/cramps are completely mental.  Her stomach is hyper sensitive to certain foods.  She has also stated that it’s the cause of one of the reasons she likes traveling alone.  She said she never knows when she’s suddenly going to have to rush to a restroom and run into the woods in a state of emergency.

6.  Kids Love Her

It may be weird for anyone who hasn’t known her for a long time, but Lori is terrific with kids. Having a vivid imagination of her own, it’s not unlikely she’ll be on the floor making up stories with action figures with your child over talking to you about whatever dumbass HGTV show you watch.  She was a nanny for many years which, besides comedy, was the only job that ever meant anything to her.  For whatever reason, kids are drawn to her too and she often ends up befriending and joking with kids in laundromats and restaurants.  She still babysits, often for her fellow comedians kids.  Her aversion to having kids of her own started in her twenties.  Earlier in her life she always wanted a family.  This is something she doesn’t see herself ever happening because…

7. She Really Doesn’t Want To Live A Long Life And She Wants You To Stop Judging Her For It

Existence is pain!  That’s why!  Certainly, she never wants to be elderly, a four year stint working in a nursing home solidifying that idea– she’s not kidding or being mean when she says you should kill yourself if you ever get to that point.  Depressive cycles are certainly a culprit in her death obsession, but she believes in quality over quantity and plans to live her life very fully but also doesn’t think she will or wants to live to even 40.  Her athletic ability is extremely important to her and if she loses that, she’s not sticking around.  Worse still (and more likely in her case) is losing her mind.  But ultimately it’s going to depend on what she calls her “inner orbs.”  Ms. Palminteri describes her moods/emotions as pulsating glowing orbs.  Sometimes they’re so bright— certain people, places, moments ignite them and fill her up.  Other times they get so dim she’s not sure they’re still there.  She doesn’t know a better way to describe it.

8.  She’s A Libertarian

While she isn’t political on stage, nor is she particularly that invested in politics in life, since both sides are lying and manipulative— she considers herself a libertarian.  Many people are misinformed and think libertarians are far right, but this just shows their ignorance.  Libertarians seek to maximize political freedom.  In fact, most people are actually libertarians but the country has been duped into dividing itself.

9.  “non fui, fui, non sum, non curo” Is Tattooed On Her Wrist
Epicureanism is a philosophy based on the teachings of Greek philosopher, Epicurus.  The Latin phrase translates to, “I was not, I was, I am not, I do not care.”  Meaning— I didn’t exist (non fui), I was born and therefore existed (fui), I died (non sum), I don’t give a shit because I’m dead (non curo).  Epicureans shun politics and materialism, as those are roads to unhappiness and no virtue.  Pleasure of the mind is the greatest achievement of one’s life and it cannot be achieved through physical pleasures.  While it is inherently self-interested, it is honest.  Friendships alone are the basis of a satisfying life.  Furthermore, you should not give a shit what people think about you.  Because when you die, you’re not going to know you’re dead, so who gives a fuck what your legacy is?  Your legacy is false.  It doesn’t matter.  Only now matters.  Epicureans don’t deny gods but deny any involvement they could have in the world.  If Lori had a religion, this would be it.  Be true to yourself.  Shed your ego when you can.  Forget the future.  It doesn’t exist.

10. Commitment Issues Are Layered In Separation Anxiety

It’s not often Lori latches onto a human, but when she does, she becomes very attached.  This is among many things she hates about herself.  Being independent is so important to her, she’s torn between her relenting desire to run away, free and her desperate need for connection.  Ultimately, she feels, most connection is false, and can be illustrated on how much people love their dogs more than humans.  Having real human connection is so rare, Lori is terrified of finding it because she fears losing it so much.  When an orb glows and then is extinguished, it’s a death.

11. Her Family Is Quite Artistic

Though she comes from a blue collar family full of mostly LIRR workers, cops and teachers, her family is rather creative.   Her two siblings (older sister, younger brother) both have her mother’s drawing skills that she always envied.  Her immediate family as well as many aunts/uncles/19 first cousins are talented painters, musicians, chefs, bakers, wood burners, etc.  She credits her cousins for being her best friends and great influences in her life.

12.  There’s A Scar On Her Breast From The Removal Of Basal Cells

Considered ‘pre-cancerous,’ a mole on her breast was removed in her early 20’s after testing positive for basal cells.  The surfer is known sun worshiper, this is poor foreshadowing on what may inevitably come.

13.  When She Almost Died From A Tonsillectomy, She “Went Somewhere”

It’s been well documented (by her) that in complications following a  basic tonsillectomy, she hemorrhaged enough blood, twice, to have almost died.  When she lost consciousness due to lack of blood, she claims she was standing in an unearthly world that was very pink.  There were tree like shrubs that were more furry than leafy.  She said there were beings there, but she didn’t see them.  She was scared to.  She doesn’t think it was heaven or hell, it doesn’t fit either description and she didn’t get the sense that the beings were good or evil, but that if she saw them she would have been dead.  Her father was holding her.  She wasn’t going to die in her fathers arms.  When she came to she was in too much pain to think about it.  She doesn’t much think about it now and figures it was just some sort of dream one has when their blood pressure drops to a dangerous low… but she is glad she didn’t die.