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Goldfish
August 12, 2018
3am. Tuesday morning. I’ve been home for three hours, asleep for two. My phone rings, and actually, it happens to be a night it’s both on and not on silent. Often, I turn my phone off at night. It’s my brother, Mitch. “I’m in the hospital, I think I got hit by a car, I
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Weekend Warrior
August 4, 2018
It’s not even 8am on a Friday morning, and like a homeless crack head, I’m curled on a blanket at Gilgo beach trying to make up for not sleeping at all the night before. My hands and feet are blue from my Raynuad’s disease and just getting out of the ocean, as I lay fetal
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Plans
July 29, 2018
Suicide is such an ugly word. After Anthony Bourdain’s suicide, it just seemed to be the thing everyone brought up, maybe especially around me because I’ve earned a bit of a reputation as a self proclaimed mental health advocate (and/or just someone who is mental). Even more so because my social life is basically comedy
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A Postcard From The Beach
July 22, 2018
“It’s nice to see a healthy young person reading a book,” a middle-aged man said, with a plump belly, his wife seated in the beach chair next to him, with the same body type. “And really enjoying it!” He added, which was true, I was reading David Sedaris’s latest, Calypso, and he’s one of the
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Dine With Me
July 14, 2018
More than not, I dine alone. This doesn’t usually upset me because I like to people watch, eavesdrop, and usually I get a free dessert because the servers feel bad for me. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love company from time to time! Especially highly interesting people. Here’s a short list of (living) people
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An Open Letter To My Mother
July 8, 2018
Author’s Note: My Mom and I write each other letters like it’s the 1800’s. To anyone I feel closest to, or that I feel I can trust, I find writing to be my more intimate form of communication. This is intended for my Mother, but not solely. However, if there is something in here that
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Soft Shoulder
July 1, 2018
I’m goofy. Not just in the ridiculous sense, which is also true. But I’m a goofy footed surfer. This means, simply, that I surf with my right foot forward. Left foot forward is considered “regular.” It’s more common, and I guess, more natural for people to surf (and skate) with their left foot first. If
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At Worst/At Best
June 27, 2018
I will never forget the first day I tried stand-up comedy. Mostly because it was also the day Michael Jackson died. It does feel like a long time ago now, nine years ago; only 20 years old, a college student with a strong love for creating and language. Comedy, in particular. Not simply because I
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Vows
June 18, 2018
In what most consider an unlikely turn of events, I officiated a wedding. Comedian friends especially mocked this, given have an “anti-marriage” chunk, followed by a “why you should never have kids” chunk, all with clever punch lines and salient points. I stand accused of not respecting marriage, which isn’t really the whole truth. While
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The Ladies Restroom
June 9, 2018
Three years ago I was using a restroom in Universal Studios/Island of Adventure Park. My parents had just moved to Florida, and so, we went there with my cousin because we’re all kind of nerdy and we enjoy and appreciate a fun action ride based on films. Anyway, after relieving myself, I go to wash
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