HACK!

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• March 4, 2017

There is simply nothing worse in comedy than a joke thief.  I hate them.  The second worse thing are hacks.  I don’t hate hacks, by any means, but their sets are eye rolling inducing, and as much I love to eye roll, I wish some hacky bits would be put to rest since they have been done to death.   A hacky joke or joke premise is something that is such obvious, low hanging fruit, a lot of people end up doing those bits.  This should not be confused with thievery.  Parallel thinking is very common in the comedy community (even with non hacky jokes!), but that doesn’t mean it’s okay.  Your co-workers (or perhaps even you) kill with hack jokes in the office.  That’s okay, because you’re not professional comedians (though I will still roll my eyes at you).

Every one is guilty of doing not so original bits.  I am too.  On more than one occasion, one of my friends told me, “lose this joke.  You’re a better comic than that.”  And I’m thankful I have friends like this in comedy.  Even some of the greatest comics have done hack jokes.  Remember when Louis CK went on SNL, joking about child molesters and how sex with kids must be really good?  That’s a hack joke.  Heard it hundreds of times.  Being original has always been more important to me than getting laughs which is why I bombed so frequently in those early years.  Hacks kill.  It’s a known fact.  Being hacky is the fast track to mediocrity in this business.  Because a lot of audiences are not that smart.  Writing funny, original material is so hard, which is why it takes many, many years to get really good at stand up.

DISCLAIMER: Almost any of these concepts could be turned into a great bit if the comic has an original twist on it (except the Viagra joke).  The obvious punch lines here make me cringe when I have to watch.  But for every unique take I’ve heard on these, I’ve heard the same obvious joke way more.

In no particular order (and not limited to), here are some of the hackiest bits I wish were never done again…

THE FOUR HOUR ERECTION
Oh, you’re going to call more ladies?  Are women just throwing themselves at you for saying the most unoriginal punchline, ever?  If I hear someone telling this joke, I stop and listen, because I cannot believe someone would actually tell the hackiest joke of all time on stage.  I actually think comics who tell this joke should just stop doing comedy.

COLONOSCOPY
Non-comics who drink heavily love to joke about this as well.  I hear it at bars all the time.  That should mean it’s a red flag for a professional comic.  Don’t stoop to the level of the “funny uncle” who’s more obnoxious than funny.  This bit belongs to that guy.

I LOOK LIKE A COMBINATION…
This is a classic new comic joke hack opener, “I know what you’re thinking, I look like a combination of (blank) and (blank).”  This almost always gets a laugh but it’s the worst.  The only funny version of this I’ve ever heard was from my friend and fellow asshole, Tim Gage, who, in mockery of such hack, went on stage after multiple comics opened with this, and said, “I know what you’re thinking… I look like a combination of my mother and father.”  Hilarious.

PMS
I’m sure there are at least a handful of funny PMS jokes.  I cannot recall them.  There are way less women doing comedy than men, so if a woman bombs, I feel like it’s especially painful because I’m rooting for them so hard.  There’s a reason audiences cringe when a woman talks about PMS, and it’s not because menstrual cycles are gross.  It’s because it’s hack.

WEIRD WHITE PEOPLE
Nothing screams black hack more than talking about how weird white people are.  Look, as a white person, I’m willing to admit, I’m odd.  But this bit has been wrung out too many times.

TRUMP (HAIR)
A lot of Trump jokes are quickly becoming hack.  It’s getting to the point where I stop listening as soon as a comic brings up Trump.  I’m 100% for making fun of our president.  But Trump is already a tiresome target.  Even audiences have thanked me for NOT MAKING FUN OF TRUMP.  Not because they’re pro-Trump, because they’re actually pro-anti-hack, and they don’t even know it.  His orange face and hair are especially hacky now.  We get it.  Every one gets it.

WAKING UP HURT
Okay, it might seem like I’m picking on older dudes now, but truth is, comedy is mostly full of older dudes.  And that’s okay.  Audiences love these bits.  They can really relate (I can’t.  I’m young and have a great body).  But it’s a stale bit.  Also, do some stretches and cardio.  Trust me on this.

HACK IMPRESSIONS
Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Christopher Walken.  Jack Nicholson.  Rodney Dangerfield.  Robert DeNiro.  Gollum.  Reverand Jim from Taxi.  Please stop.

LOSING VIRGINITY/DOING STAND UP
Did you get laughs when you lost your virginity?  Probably more laughs than at this open mic, because we all heard this before.

GPS
The voice.  The accent.  The directions from a woman.  The GPS gets a bad racket for something you’re dependent on for getting to gigs.  Maybe your GPS can reroute you to an original punch line.

VEGAN NO ENERGY
Vegans suck.  We all know it.  They do have the energy to clap, but they’re not going to for this joke they’ve heard a thousand times.

TEACHERS FUCKING STUDENTS
Where were these hot teachers when you were growing up?  Oh, I’m sure they were there, they just weren’t into you because of your complete lack of of original jokes.

SEARCHED IN AIRPORT
I can understand if you’re Indian, or have a wild beard, you legitimately get stopped and searched in airports.  This must suck.  It’s never happened to me, because I’m a petite blond, and even the one time I forgot I had a knife in my bag, they still didn’t search me.  But this joke is trite.  Put your belt and shoes back on and move on.

SEX PROPS
By this I mean, any joke that involves humping the stool or using the microphone as a prop for your dick.  Oh my god, enough.  As a female, let me offer you some insight:  Being on stage and being funny makes any dude more attractive.  Doing a masturbation bit, or otherwise, and using that mic as your dick takes away any mystique of you being hotter than you are.  Stop it.

CARLOS MENCIA
Just anything Mencia says is hack.  And he’s an admitted joke thief.  He’s the worst.  Sure, comedy is subjective, but if you ever say the words, “I like Carlos Mencia,” you should be required to follow that with, “but I have terrible taste in comedy.”

AUTOCORRECT
Oh yah, your phone changed a word and made a conversation awkward?  Yeah, this happens to every one, every fucking day.  Every one has jokes about it too.  Ugh.  Yawn.

USED CAR/DATING/LEASE/MARRIAGE ANALOGY
It would be unfair to say that material about “nagging wives” is hack.  Because I’ve heard a lot of great, personal stories that are hilarious.  But the used car metaphor with marriage or dating, or that marriages should be leases and expire is sorely overplayed at this point.

PROFILE PIC
Some would argue online dating jokes are hack, but I think it’s become such a part of our society and people have personal experiences with it, it would be unfair to lump the entire category into hack (I may be justifying my own online dating bits here).  But the “not looking like the profile pic” can be put to rest already.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE TROOPS
This isn’t even a joke.  This is just a cheap ploy to get the audience to clap for you.  Really, this is the worst.  Maybe even worse than the Viagra/four hour erection.  I don’t know… they’re probably tied.  I feel like any comic who does one probably does the other.