Why Are You Single

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• December 20, 2024

It’s a question I’m asked all too frequently. By suitors, strangers, or sometimes even friends. Frankly, it’s kind of irritating. Because no one ever asks a married person why they are married. Wait… that’s not true. I’ve done that on a number of occasions where someone is bitching about their husband or wife. But still. I rarely whine about being single. Is it lonely sometimes? Of course. Loneliness, however, isn’t merely about being alone. Many people in relationships are lonely. I’ve both been dealt broken hearts and given them. And I’ve come to believe New York City is the most rotten place to find decent people. Yet, the solo life without kids does allow you a certain freedom to do dope shit, like spend a month in Hawaii surfing, snorkeling, hiking, free diving with sharks, etc.

When I was in Hawaii, I met this Greek guy who did ask me just that. This was after he told me I’m much prettier in person than the pictures on my profile.

“I do that on purpose,” I told him, “online dating is shallow enough, I’d like to ween about any guy who is solely looking for a Barbie doll. Other girls can mask themselves in filters to lead on a lover, but that’s not who I am.”

“Why are you single, Lori?” He asks.

“There are about 20 different answers to that question. All of them are true, and none of them are.”

I didn’t much feel like giving an honest answer to this question, because, like I said, there are many answers. I seem to be attracted to guys not interested in me? My friends say I’m socially autistic? I spent my 20s ignoring a love life and focusing on a career as a comedian and writer? I have deep seeded trust and intimacy issues? Guys are assholes and I am picky? I’m a misanthrope? I’m not sure I believe monogamy is realistic for a long period of time? Every single damn time I fell in love, I had my heart ripped into pieces and built an ice wall around my heart?

Instead… I thought of a myriad of joke reasons to the question: why are you single?

“Well. My last boyfriend lied to me and I stabbed him with an icicle while he was shoveling snow. The cops still think it was an accident.”

“I have a long monkey like tail that makes me quite insecure, and most find it unsavory to look at.”

“I am saving myself for Jesus.”

“I am saving myself for the Devil.”

“I’m not single. My husband is with his girlfriend right now.”

“After midnight, I turn into an old hag and look somewhat like Nancy Pelosi. True loves kiss won’t break the curse. Only Nancy Pelosi’s bank account will.”

“My pussy is like crack cocaine. Everyone who’s tastes it turns into a completely addicted psychopath, so I have to be really careful about who I let down there.”

“I have a rare STD that after people sleep with me, they can hear pigeons thoughts. It may sound cool, but most of my exes killed themselves from going mad.”

“I’m actually an alien, hiding from my birth parents, who will soon send drones looking for me.”

“Bill Skarsgard and I are in love, only he doesn’t know it yet because he’s never met me.”

“I’m a spy and I can’t be in relationships because I have too many enemies that will target the ones I love.”

Single ladies, don’t let people shame you into thinking there’s something wrong with you if you’re older than 30 and still flying solo. Completely embrace that there IS something wrong with you, and that’s okay, because the right person will love you for being the flawed weirdo you are. And until then, when people ask you why you’re single, remember, if fiction is funnier than the truth, you should go with that.