Job Opportunity

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• November 19, 2016

Anyone who knows me very well knows, I’m almost always on the verge of quitting comedy (particularly this year) and running off to an island, teaching English to impoverished kids or something like that.  Whether or not these are empty threats depends entirely on which version of me you’re talking to.  I’m not alone in this.  Most comics I vent to also have this fear driven urge to drop it all.  But since I started comedy young, and have almost no other skills besides making up stories, I’m not wanted or needed in any other work force, which is okay by me, because I never really wanted to be anything other than a writer.  But here’s some jobs I think I wouldn’t be suicidal doing, and perhaps would even like.

1. Actress

While I sometimes do act, I hardly consider myself an actress.  I like doing it.  I’m not great at it. I’m okay.  While I wouldn’t mind going out for more auditions, I’m already in the comedy grind, and the acting grind is a whole other game, and I’m already worn out.  But I happen to have a great memory, so memorizing lines is pretty easy, and I’m in love with story telling, so while I’d prefer to be the writer/creator of a story, acting is a pretty awesome way to make a living.

2. Personal Chef on a Yacht

Oddly specific choice.  Well, I’ve worked in a couple restaurants, and I can attest that chefs are the most batshit insane people I’ve ever met.  I don’t know exactly why that is.  Behind the scenes of restaurants harbors some of the most unhealthy minded people you’ve ever met.  And lots of drugs.  Lots and lots of drugs.  The reason why I don’t wait tables part time now is because I mentally cannot handle that environment.  However, I do like to cook, and I’m pretty good at it too.  I also really like boats.  So I think if I was a personal Chef, on a yacht for some rich but cool person, that would be a dream come true.

3. Pilot

Not commercial airplanes, because I think it’s already been established that I hate working with the public.  But maybe a cargo plane, or smaller, private planes.  I love heights.  I also love flying.  I don’t like security and waiting to go on flights, but I have no issues being in the sky.  Actually, I find it relaxing.  Plus, despite being riddled with anxiety most my life, I tend to be extremely calm and logical in dire and/or chaotic situations.  I’m not sure why that is.  But when shit hits the fan, a switch flips in my brain, and I only assess the situation scientifically.  Facts and what to do next.  I’m a very good person to have around in a bad situation.  It’s a gift/survival skill, I guess.

4. Film Editor

While I still edit my own produced films, I would hardly consider myself a film editor.  When editing my projects in college, I would go through an intense frustrating hour and be borderline, if not full blown homicidal, but once I was on a roll, I found it not only therapeutic, but also that I was pretty good at editing.  This is also a creative job where you’re basically locked in a dark room by yourself for hours and hours.  You have very little human contact.  Noticing a trend?

5.  Creative Writing Professor

A lot of people in my family thought I was going to end up a teacher (it’s a blue collar family, and the creative types taught. Every one else worked for the railroad or were cops).  But I never wanted to be a teacher.  I don’t like kids (humans) in a large numbers.  If I were to teach, it would have to be college level.  That’s the only level I wouldn’t be fired almost immediately for being too mean or politically incorrect (though now, I probably would be fired for my complete lack of a filter).  This is probably because I thoroughly enjoyed my college creative writing classes, however, I would never want to teach without accomplishing something of my own.  If  I were a published author, perhaps I would consider teaching part time, and help young writers develop their voice.

6.  Astronomer/Astrophysicist

I’m not smart enough to be an astronomer or astrophysicist.  That’s fine.  I’m smarter than most.  Not that smart.  Chemistry and physics lost me.  I can’t do math.  But Carl Sagan and Neil deGrasse Tyson are two of my heroes, and I’ve read their books, watched their shows, and listen to their lectures.  Those guys are brilliant.  The universe fascinates me.  I do my best to understand it.  I fucking love science because I’m a nerd at heart.  If you haven’t watched “Cosmos” on Netflix, you’re missing out.  It’s amazing out there.

7.  Rock Star

Well, this one is pretty obvious.  I mean, who doesn’t want sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll?  When I was younger, I wanted to be a drummer who had the voice of Chrissie Hynde and the abs of Gwen Stefani.  I wanted blue hair, and to feel the energy of a rocking stadium.  Before comedy, I was a frequent concert goer.  I still listen to a shit ton of music (mostly alt/indie rock), and I’m kind of an asshole hipster who has been listening to a band before they make it big.  I just want to duet with Mick Jagger and OD on heroin too young.  Is that too much to ask?  Probably.

8.  Psychologist

Since my first psychology class in college, my appetite for the human mind and mental illness is like my appetite for Tates Cookies, the more I have, the more I need.  For fun, I read text books of abnormal psychology, case studies, anything by Kay Redfield Jamison, and more.  I know a shit ton about psychology.  This knowledge may have saved my life.  It’s kind of annoying because I’m constantly analyzing if I’m slipping into depression or being manic, and on top of this I’m also judging you.  I’m watching your body language and deducing reasons why you act or say certain things.  I’d like to know your relationship with your mother.  Because of this, I’m right a lot.  I realize that’s awfully pretentious, and I realize I’m not a doctor,  but I’m well read in psychology, and I have used these powers for both bad and good.  People in my family and friends repeatedly come to me for advice, and I enjoy helping them.  However, my psychology research is inherently selfish.  I’m not out to save other people.  I just want to save myself.  But in my studies I’ve found people often need help to help them save themselves.

9.  Stunt Double

A lot of my “alternate” careers remain in film.  I still want to be a stunt double.  I realize this means I would get hurt A LOT.  But I’m already getting hurt doing kind of stupid/extreme things, so why not get paid?  I really like jumping off things.  I don’t know why.  But I’ve worked on sets, mostly as a production assistant or a background actor, and watched the stunt doubles, and I know I can jump out windows or over fences, no problem.  I still want to do this, so if anyone has an in, hook me up.

10.  Underwater Ocean Photographer

The ocean is my favorite place to be.  Mother Ocean has provided me with more joy and peace than any other entity in the universe (albeit, also almost killed me).  I have been very fortunate in my life to witness some miracles in the water.  I can snorkel for hours and hours, and never get bored (when I snorkel, I usually have to wear a shirt otherwise my back will burn).  While I do not consider myself a photographer, nor do I have any real desire to be one, I would LOVE to be a photographer for a nature show/magazine and dive into the deep with whales, dolphins, fish, and yes, sharks.  It would be a dream come true.  Also, you never have to talk to people.  Just fish.

In alternate universes, perhaps I am content in one of these professions, but it will not be so in the dimension we are trapped in.  In all seriousness, I’ve dreamed of being a comedian and writer for sitcom and/or late night television for as long as I can remember.  But even if you’ve dreamed of something a thousand times, and dedicate the better part of your young life to it, doesn’t mean it will come true.  Fortunately for me, my family is supportive.  Comics I look up to have also been extremely supportive through the years.  Sometimes, if not often, I lack the confidence to fuel my own passion, and in these times, I ride the waves of confidence others have in me.  For this, I’m wholly grateful to be surrounded by some of the most creative, hilarious, and kind-hearted people.  It’s likely I won’t do anything in comedy but fade, though even if the end result is a crushed dream, I’ll have pride in myself for working my ass off, and going in all the way.  In my own psychoanalysis, I’ve learned that loving yourself is often fickle.  It’s healthy to hate yourself a little bit.  There’s always room for improvement.  People who fully love themselves are often intolerable anyway.  I’m unsure there’s such thing as a clear conscience.  At the end of the day, I’m able to sleep at night because I respect my work ethic.  I respect myself for going for it, even if it’s improbable.  That’s how I sleep at night.  

That, and medication.  I’m also on medication.