Kill! Fuck! Marry! WESTWORLD Edition

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• December 11, 2016

Ah, yes, it’s every one’s favorite “passing the time on this long ass car ride” game.  This is the Westworld edition.  Warning! Spoilers!  After watching the season finale last week, I stayed up till nearly 3am just thinking, and reading a book, to keep my mind from thinking.  Goddamnit, the Westworld series finale is one of the best finales ever.  So if you haven’t seen it, you should just stop reading this right now, and go watch Westworld instead.  But if you have, here’s a less brain twisting character analysis than the MAZE.

KILL!

The Man In The Black Hat

As much as it would pain me to kill off any Ed Harris character, he fits in no other category.  Marrying him is definitely out.  That didn’t work out great for his wife.  Also, isn’t all he really wants is just to die?  To suffer enough to be alive?  Wish granted, my friend.

FUCK!

Maeve

I mean, she was more or less built to be a sex robot, so it’s sure to be a good time.  Also, Maeve is badass as hell.  Whether or not her confidence derives from code or consciousness, Maeve is sexy.

MARRY!

Hector

A robot bandit with crazy eyes, this world is madness indeed, Hector.  Madness, indeed.  He’s super hot, and might detest the world more than I do, and that’s how love works, right?  I don’t know! Neither does he cause he’s a robot! Perfect.

KILL!

Lee Sizemore

Really for no other reason than he’s annoying.  I find him irksome.  Is it weird I’m only killing the real humans?

FUCK!

Logan

Yes, this asshole.  Logan in many ways is the worst.  I would hate him.  But look at his hair and those eyes!  Okay… my attraction to Logan is really just my attraction to actor Ben Barnes.  But in Logan’s defense, he is the only honest person on the show.  The only one.

MARRY!

Teddy

Not only is Teddy, to quote The Man In The Black Hat, “beautiful,” at the end of season one, he is really the only good guy left.  Every person and robot has proved to be a bit evil.  But not Teddy.  With those blue eyes and cheekbones.

KILL!

Young Ford Robot

Sure, it could be argued that he’s just a boy AND a harmless robot, but there’s nothing creepier than a child robot based on you.  Holy shit.  Also, the face coming apart thing doesn’t help.  I don’t trust this kid.  Don’t trust him at all.  Just like the real version of him.

FUCK!

Stubbs

Apparently there’s a third Hemsworth and we’re all not entirely convinced the whole family aren’t Ford’s robots.  Amazing blue eyes, and one of the better humans on the show.

MARRY!

Bernard

Bernard! Bernard!  I dare not write reasons to and not to marry you in case the reader did not follow my spoiler warning.  Oh, Bernard.  You are special.