Feisty Character

I guess, I am rooting for the penguin precisely because of it’s feisty character.  The penguin damn well knows it’s kind of fucked, but it won’t back down, and there’s admiration, if not empathy in that.  Right?

My big fear in life is not death.  It’s the Dodo’s conundrum. Like the penguin, the Dodo bird also had wings but lacked the ability to fly.  Unlike the penguin, the Dodo bird is now extinct (circa late 1600’s).  The Dodo’s conundrum is nothing more than a fear of failure, and I think, especially as an artist (in my case, as a writer and a comedian), the fear that you will not be successful in your art, which is the only thing that gives your life meaning.  If your wings won’t help you fly, then there is no freedom.  Just extinction.  The fear that you will never fly keeps people from pursuing their dreams.  They’re too afraid to jump.  That’s not an irrational fear.  For every person who soars with their dreams there are hundreds, if not thousands, who ended up beaten and broken on the rocks below.  Some because they never had the talents.  Others because they didn’t have the proper drive/work ethic.

But here’s the thing about Dodo birds: they were really fucking stupid.  Yeah, we (humans) hunted them to extinction, basically (our bad).  What sailors found were Dodo’s were easy to kill not simply because they couldn’t fly, because they, for some reason, weren’t really afraid of humans, so you could basically just walk up to a Dodo bird, and take it, and roast it’s delicious bird meat (I do not know if Dodo birds were delicious.  Actually, sailors wrote that they weren’t really tasty at all.  They were just that fucking easy to kill.).  You know what Dodo’s lacked?  Feisty character.

I know people mean it when they say they think stand-up’s are brave.  I appreciate the acknowledgement that what we do is very difficult, and takes balls, but I can tell you, I am not a brave person.  But I’m not a fucking coward either.  Timid, yes.  I am rather shy, and have struggled to overcome my rather diffident disposition.  So, if I don’t consider myself a brave person or a coward, what does that make me?  A feisty character.  My god, that’s a good survival skill to have if you want to be a stand-up.  In the early years of bombing, and doing shitty gig after shitty gig, and not knowing if this was going to lead anywhere, dealing with your own self doubt, and not allowing toxic people get into your psyche is a lot to handle.  And if your passion is strong enough, you’ll handle whatever comes through the door, see it face to face, even if it scares you.  It’s not bravery.  It was never bravery.  It didn’t matter I was in over my head.  It didn’t then, and it doesn’t now.  A feisty character doesn’t shy away from trouble.  Hell, half the time I’m seeking trouble, if for no other reason than the rush that comes with the chase of that rapturous adrenaline.

That adrenaline is one hell of a drug.  This is why I’m not brave.  A thrill seeker isn’t a brave person.  You wouldn’t call a drug addict brave for doing drugs, right?  No, you wouldn’t.  Same goes for adrenaline junkies.  Seeking danger for the fun of the release of dopamine makes you (me) a punk.  Ever since I was a kid, my brother and I challenged each other in climbing, surfing, and anything that bordered on dangerous that we could get our fix on.  Back then, we thought we were brave, heroes even, if to no one else than one another.

I love the image of me being brave (specifically, if that image involves me wielding a sword).  All I’ve ever wanted to be was a badass.  But the brave are a very select group of people.  Bravery does not derive from pure ego.  A brave person is not driven by the intense love affair/addiction with living life manically.  I’ve only ever been able to summon bravery from within because I’m too afraid of what happens if I don’t.  When I force myself to watch sets (which is torture), I’ve never, not once, thought, “wow, what a brave thing I do!”  Jesus, even I’m not that pretentious.  But there is something so honest and mischievous in a smirk that says it all about one’s character.