Going To Hell

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• May 28, 2017

“Most people go to Hell for sins of the flesh,” my 93 year old devout Catholic Grandpa tells me for the 790th time.  Apparently my Grandpa works for the census in Hell, and has that one figured out.  Though it seems rather unfair we’ll all be doomed for eternal torture for just fucking around a little along side ISIS bombers.  God, life is so damn unfair, is death that unfair too?  I’m not sure why I would think otherwise.

While I have fallen victim and blame to sins of the flesh, I hardly consider them sins at all.  Though on more than one occasion sins of the flesh have been tied to sin.  Years ago, I had a friends with benefits situation (I’ve twice had successful friends with benefits where no one ended up broken hearted and this is why I’m convinced it can work, despite the fact that more than twice it has ended poorly for at least one party) and after we engaged in our sins of the flesh (I’m going to refer to sex as sins of the flesh from now on because it is both hilarious and sounds badass) we both were breathing heavy and I was already reaching for my pants when he said, “I have to go to Florida this weekend.  My grandma is dying.”

I turned to him, patted him on the shoulder, and said, “that sucks,” and then I put my jeans on and was out the door within five minutes, rushing to catch a train.  Cold, right?  Well, here’s where it gets kind of worse.  I didn’t even think that was a cold hearted thing to do!  I didn’t even think about it at all until the next day, when I replayed the night in my head, re-watching this time as a third party, like a movie, and almost 24 hours later, it dawned on me that I was kind of an asshole to him.  Upon realizing this, I did call him (I hate calling anyone, but felt this was necessary), and asked him how he was doing, and I apologized for my complete lack of warmth.  Surprisingly, he wasn’t mad at all, and gratefully accepted the call, and appreciated the apology, and he even laughed telling me I was quite the asshole, but not without a heart.  Sometimes I think it’s such a shame we never really dated.  While we liked one another well enough, we never loved each other.  We were both erratic, and had very little in common, save for this: we were loved by good people, but we found that good people were usually boring.  Not that bad people are interesting.  Quite contrary.  Bad people are the most bland of all.  It was conflicted people we were perpetually drawn to.

That friends with benefits situation always went too smooth, it practically ruined me for how much I would later hurt people with my cold little heart, where almost every brief relationship I would have ended with someone telling me I might be a sociopath.  Geez, I was starting to believe them.  The thought of not being capable of falling in love terrified me.  Hadn’t I been in love before?  I thought so.  But I that was a long time ago and I was a different person then.  Maybe they’re right, I lamented.  The only reason I knew they were wrong was the guilt I felt from causing anyone pain.  If pain separates me from being a sociopath, I’ll cling to it.  Still, it’s not all my fault.  People always think they fall in love with something pretty.

Now, I don’t believe in Hell, not in the biblical sense, anyway.  And I would say there are at least two legitimate reasons I’d end up there, neither of which have anything to do with sins of the flesh.  But even the thought of a biblical Heaven, which seems like a large social gathering, is literally the definition of my Hell.

Sometimes, I like to think life is like a video game, in the sense where when you die you start over.  But unlike a video game, there’s no check points, so you start from day one, remembering nothing.  No clues, no tips, no guides, just the occasional feeling that you’ve done this before.  You are either doomed to repeat your life, or delighted to.  This, in a sense, gives the individual a great means of power.  You cannot control the who and where you’re born into, but you do have a great say in how your life turns out.  You then determine yourself if you live in Heaven or Hell.  People have a great fear of being the master of their own fate, however.

I had been thoroughly convinced I worked in Hell when I was in the nursing home.  Though Hell is never exclusive to one place, or even a place at all.  Exploring darkness within, lured by demons, I found it’s sometimes hard to find your way back in the dark.  My heart would be quick to banish the feelings (or lack thereof) of the numbness of depression but my head is too smart, and won’t allow it.  Hell is ever present with a room reserved for my return, knowing I will.  The Devil waits in the corners and whispers to me that that’s where I belong.

It’s true enough that there is an equal opposite in all things.  While the world is filled with a great amount of evil, there is enough good to balance it out.  What is Heaven but peace and rapture?  And so I’ve had my fair share of glimpses, many times in the ocean, or in the surreal landscape of Iceland, in the sound of my nephew’s laugh, or in the collision of hard work and passion.  These moments are so goddamn beautiful they terrify me that they can never last.  That Heaven is only a temporary place.  Never eternal.

That’s the irony of sins of the flesh… The irony I could never explain to my Grandpa.  Not that lust can’t be greedy or even malicious at times, but sins of the flesh often leads to a peaceful and rapturous moment.   Lust can lead to loving, but love just as well leads to lust.  Greek God Eros wasn’t a bad God at all, though not wholly good, as he is the close brother of Chaos.  And Chaos is neither bad nor good, Chaos is mere existence.  Greek Gods have always been more interesting than monotheism.  The Greek Gods were always conflicted.

If I ever figured out a sure formula to fully enjoy these moments without the resignation that Heaven is nothing more than a fleeting feeling, I would surely share it.  But it’s not so easy, when you know you will again be going to Hell.  And there, you will have to cling to the resignation that Hell is nothing more than a fleeting feeling.