The First Blog of 2019

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• January 1, 2019

First off, I have been writing this blog weekly for over 5 years, and if you continue to read it, I thank you.  I hope I make you laugh.  And when I make you sad, I hope I make you think.  If you’re not a family member or an obsessive old boyfriend, I’m still rather perplexed that you return to read this ranting, venting, and rather narcissistic self disciplinary writing exercise.   And you can believe me when I say I appreciate you returning to read these because I am a narcissist.

Nothing changes New Year’s Day.  That’s right.  We’re still the same old pieces of shit we were a mere 24 hours ago.  Bono is still too preachy (I’m a U2 fan, to be clear, but we get it Bono— we have Catholic guilt too, you’re allowed to enjoy your riches, though, you earned it).

You’re not a new you.  You’re the same you.

You will break your diet and exercise routine (I won’t, I’m pretty good at that).

You won’t spend less time in front of a screen and more time outdoors.

You won’t be a more attentive husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend.

You won’t read more (I will read more, but that’s also because I won’t spend more time with people).

You won’t be kinder to people after the next person cuts you off in traffic, or someone is rude on a line to see a bank teller.

You won’t save more money.

You won’t visit your grandparents more.

You won’t quit your job that you hate but is also just comfortable enough that you’re afraid quitting won’t lead to anything better.

You won’t be “more environmentally friendly.”

You won’t stop yelling at people who disagree with you politically, and actually try to understand that just because someone feels differently doesn’t make them a monster or an idiot.  You’re probably an idiot too.  So you might as well hear each other out.

You won’t stop being the flawed giant turd of a human you already are, and that’s okay.  I don’t really give a flying fuck whether you aim to better yourself or not.

Here’s some shitty things about me that I should work on but won’t:

I won’t stop being so negative and realize that my self worth is higher than I give myself credit for.

I won’t stop isolating so much.

I won’t stop starting writing something, and giving up on it to write something new that I will also give up on.

I won’t ask for help more: be it for career stuff or just when I am really sad.

I won’t be less distant.

I won’t be less distracted.

I won’t stop feeling like a failure.

I want to be more present.  I want to be happier.  I want be better too.

I know this about you and I know this about me because we are what we do or don’t do.  The best way to predict the future is to know the past.  I’m not saying we can’t improve.  We can always improve.  Why do you think I’m so fucking unhappy?!?  I always know I can do better.  But I fall short, I fall short, I fall short…

It’s not necessarily new habits needed to be honed, it’s continuing the ones that bring health, pride, peace or joy.

I do write a lot.

I do work hard at comedy and I work a lot.

I do eat healthy and work out.

I do read a lot and do outdoors activities whenever possible.

I do let the people I love and care about know it, not as much as I should, but in my own way.

I do surround myself with people who make me laugh hard.

I do think that even though life is meaningless and none of this matters, it’s still a fucking miracle that any of this exists at all and Earth has so many beautiful wonders that amaze me even when I want to die.

And I don’t want those things to change.  I want to do more of things I like about myself, especially the things that hard.  I know I can do those things because I already am.

Sometimes it’s not about starting new, it’s about keep going.