15 Things.

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• September 14, 2020

15 Things.

This was recommended to a friend of mine through their therapist that instructed them to make a list of 15 qualities they would want their partner to have in a perfect world. I don’t know where the number 15 came from nor did I ever ask why, but I never myself wrote out a list for such things until now. Partly because I am trying to avoid writing a really sad blog, since 2020 is an overwhelmingly sad year.

So here it is. The 15 features I’d want in a perfect life mate.

1. Funny: Well, this should be no shocker here that humor tops the list of being absolutely essential to attraction for me. Look, I grew up with a funny family, clever friends and became a comedian— it’s the most important trait any human can have. I have broken it off with guys who were all around catches but were unable to come up with witty retorts. I need that. It’s make or break.
2. Adventurous: Without a doubt, I’m a playful creature who likes to experience new things. I don’t expect people to be as excited as I when it comes to jumping off a cliff into a body of water, but being not only open but drawn to the wild to some degree feels like it’s an important common thread that needs to be there.
3. Smart: Intelligence ranks extremely high. I drink and know things and I also like people who drink and know things. I especially like minds who are well read in history and/or science. Learning is fun to me and for conversation to be interesting, a certain level of intellect must be there.
4. Athletic: This goes hand in hand with the adventurous trait. While I don’t really consider myself a shallow person, this is where I am a little shallow. And no, I don’t need underwear models with shredded abs. You don’t have to be a keto dieting crossfit psycho (that would be a turn off, probably) but not only is a fit person aesthetically pleasing, it’s a part of my lifestyle that I need a partner to catch up with me as I frolic on hiking trails and whatnot.
5. Creator: By this I mean, the person doesn’t have to be an artist or have some sort of profession that is creative, but rather they have a passion that they love doing/creating. And I don’t care what it is. Can be just about anything. It could be whittling animals out of wood for all I care. There needs to be some sort of hobby or stimulation that you are into that gives you some sort of fulfillment.
6. Loves The Beach: While not a deal breaker per se, I have a hard time imagining ending up with someone who didn’t care for the beach. It is literally my favorite place to be. When I picture paradise, it’s a beach. It’s one of the few places I can actually enjoy myself without worrying because that’s where arrival takes place. “Oh, I’m at the beach and this is the best.” Look, I don’t need someone who splashes in the waves doing dolphin calls with me. I got that part covered and admit it’s weird. But at least, I need a person who will sit on the beach and say, “see that little weirdo doing dolphin calls like a semi-retard? That’s my girl right there.”
7. Sometimes Just Wants To Marathon Watch The Simpsons: The Simpsons is one of those shows I can watch to excess that brings me so much joy. I can’t tell you how many times in this quarantine that I’ve been laying in my bed, sober or high, undecided on what to watch and then default to The Simpsons and think, “this is all I want. I just want someone who will come home and laugh at The Simpsons with me.”
8. Loves To Read: Again, this is not a deal breaker, but this is my ideal candidate list so I get to pick. And I pick someone who also loves books that won’t be too annoyed when I force them into book clubs with me. Additionally, I am a pretty quiet person and enjoy long silences. Some of my best friends are people I can chill with where we say very little. I don’t need space to be filled with noise. There’s something in a bond with silent types who love to have the company of someone without constant interaction.
9. Sweet: Look, I can be rough around the edges and I’m undeniably cold until I’m comfortable which sometimes never happens. But I have a gooey center. I don’t need a humanitarian but they have to be sweet on me. We can be assholes to the world, I don’t care, but I want to feel held even when I’m not.
10. Happy: This one feels like asking a lot these days (haha). But my dark moods are well kept in the shadows and I try to let as few people see me in downward spirals as possible. I’m unsure if this is because I carry shame in having them or that I don’t want to be a burden and be a drag (it’s both). Though I think someone who is energized more positively would have a contagious factor.
11. Sports Fan: Once, I told my mom about a guy I asked out who rejected me and she said, “what is wrong with that guy? You’re like the perfect woman; funny, cute and you love to watch sports!” Umm… I don’t consider the fact that I’m a sports fan in my top qualities, but sure. It’s also a grand mystery to my mother why every eligible (and maybe not eligible) man isn’t lining up at my door to try to marry me like some sort of weird Renaissance time with castles and people who trade livestock for wives. Somewhat ironically, I have dated a fair share of guys who didn’t like watching sports at all.
12. Not Materialistic: Honestly, I can’t stand materialistic people. I like to have nice things and I like to keep them neat. But I never bought into or really understood why people drop hundreds of dollars on handbags or watches. It seems excessively greedy and superficial. People who are obsessed with brand names tend to be easily brainwashed and boring. Next!
13. Feisty: (Skip this one, family members) Desire and thirst are big needs for the bedroom. I like a certain level of kink factor, and despite being a hermit with a low drive to date, the sex drive is high. I like my clothes torn off and I need to feel compelled to bite your face. Don’t worry. I only bite if I really like you.
14. A Great Smile and/or Hair: Okay, I’m kind of cheating here because I put two in one. Sorry bald dudes, it’s not a deal breaker but my god do I love running my hands through a guys hair and also grabbing it. Someone’s teeth can make or break them. I have some weird fixes on oral hygiene (I’ve confessed that a dream date of mine is one where me and the date both go to the dentist and then we make out after our mouths have been cleaned). Some fucked up teeth can really ruin even a pretty face.
15. Salty Attitude: Look, I’m a pretty cynical person and I also like cynical people. The right level of cynicism is necessary to be in a situation and exchange a glance and laugh at absurdism. I’m highly drawn to people who don’t give a fuck what other’s think and are proudly themselves. I love pirates. Unapologetic, think for themselves and sail towards their true north, pirates.