Mockingbird vs Mockingbird

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• June 18, 2023

It was supposed to be an ordinary milk run on an ordinary day. I had just left my apartment around noon to go around the corner to get my dairy creamer. I threw on a shirt (when you work from and live alone, you seldom wear a shirt) and headed out the door. Just a few houses away from my own, I felt something hit me on the side. It didn’t hurt, it felt kind of like someone threw a whiffle ball at me and it just grazed me. I turned but there was nothing behind me. I looked down. Nothing there either.

And before I could even finish the thought “huh, that’s odd,” a bird literally flies directly at me, head first, into my abs. I mean, first of all, jokes on you bird, my abs are solid so that sucker punch hurt her neck and merely tickled my belly, but the attack was successful in how much it freaked me out.

“YO! WHAT THE FUCK BRO!”

Then, I watched the bird fly in a circle and head straight back towards me.

“What the fuck! What are you doing!”

This attack I was able to dodge. Still, I was confused and scared. What was happening? My immediate assumption was there was a nest nearby, but I had no idea where the nest was, nor would I have even seen this bird if it didn’t literally fly into me.

Again, the bird circles in the sky and flies after me… “what the actual fuck?” So I pivot on my toes and just start running. I look over my shoulder, and I’m still being pursued by this psychotic bird.

[In slow motion, I felt like this, “OHHHH SHIITTTT.”]

[And also like this.]

About half way down the block, the bird gave up and retreated to her nest. Only then I was safe to continue my journey to retrieve milk, which I did not expect to turn into such an adventure. Furthermore, when you live in a city, you learn to live with the danger that you could be assaulted in the street for no reason. Luckily, I have never been assaulted nor mugged (some aggressive shoulder brushes, yes and threats from crack heads, sure). Never in my life did I think I’d have an aerial assault by a bird, on my block, no less.

It only then occurred to me that I had recently been talking to my buddy Igor, who does gardening for my neighbor, who said he destroys nests belonging to mockingbirds because, his words, “they are dicks.” At the time, I defended the mockingbird. But it appeared I should have listened to my friend.

This was a mockingbird. A small thing. So it must be completely mad to haphazardly charge at a species so much bigger, like a human, especially since I hadn’t even seen the darn thing, let alone threatened it or it’s unborn.

I did take this as a bad omen. Perhaps I watch too many horror movies and read too much fiction. Odd bird happenings never seem to be a good sign, not that I’m highly superstitious either.

It was kind of funny how scared I was in the attack. Once again, I wasn’t hurt in any way. Obviously a bird is like one pound. But it’s really jarring to be attacked by something with the advantage of wings. I was unsure if it had the intelligence and/or capability of going for my eyes.

Unfortunately, Harper Lee only ever taught me about justice in a world that often lacks it. And not actually how to kill a mockingbird. Not that I want to kill the damn thing. I just want to be able to walk down my block and not be attacked from above.

The following day, I was attacked yet again. I kept my eyes peeled this time and didn’t see it coming because it waited for me to walk passed the nest and then flew into me from behind (fucking coward). This time I turned to it. It perched itself on the chain-link fence and tilted it’s head at me, like, “yeah, keep walking.”

And I’m like… “yeah, that was always my plan to just walk.”

I was not in the mood that day, having received particularly bad news, plus the ongoing problems with my radio job defaulting on paying me and the fact there are no new writing jobs to even apply for puts me in an uncomfortable position.

“YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ GO BIRD? LET’S FUCKING GO. FLY INTO ME. DO IT. LET’S FUCKIN’ GO.”

The bird and I had a stand off. Our chests puffed at each other.

“I’VE LIVED HERE LONGER THAN YOU. LONGER THAN YOUR FUCKING GREAT GRANDMOTHER. LET’S GO.”

It’s never a great a sign when you’re having hostile negotiations with woodland creatures on your block. But I’m a mockingbird too. I’d hardly an aggressive one. And my actual punches I’m sure don’t pack much of a punch. But I’ve learned to survive by mocking people. The mockingbird backed down.

Crazy fucking bitch. A couple days later I watched the same bird chase a squirrel up and down the block. It’s really turning into quite the nature show for me here in Astoria. Even the whimsical creatures have attitudes.

Though it’s true enough that birds are modern day dinosaurs. So, in a way, I can say I was attacked by a dinosaur in Queens. And I won. The song of the comedic mockingbird, prevails.