Turn A Light On

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• June 26, 2023

There are some things I’ve been blessed with. Brains. Boobs. A hilarious sense of humor. A good family. Generally being born American. But no one is without their curses. My most annoying curse is allergies, which has hindered my quality of life since I was a child. It’s manageable, of course, and not the worst thing in the world, but my god I wish I could breath fully from my nose more than 20% of my life.

Another hereditary curse I’m damned with is a laundry list of sleep disorders, including, insomnia, sleep paralysis and night terrors. It’s actually insane to me (and probably a legitimate sign of insanity) that I’m 34 years old and wake up screaming my head off because of night terrors. There’s been times I jolted out of my bed, ready to run upstairs to my parents room, briefly forgetting I’m not in my childhood home, I’m in my apartment of 9 years, my parents are not upstairs.

Like a child wanting the comfort and safety of mom and dad, I’m quick to turn a light on. And I don’t turn it off when going back to sleep, if falling asleep again is even an option. Sometimes going back to sleep puts you right back in that nightmare.

“Night terrors are a sleep disorder in which a person quickly awakens from sleep in a terrified state. The cause is unknown but night terrors are often triggered by fever, lack of sleep or periods of emotional tension, stress or conflict. Night terrors do not occur during REM sleep. A night terror isn’t a merely dream, but rather sudden awakening along with the physical symptoms such as intense fear feeling, screaming or thrashing, and increased heart rate and blood pressure.”

Night terrors are pretty common in children, as they have growing imaginations. If you google, “why do adults get night terrors,” it says, “People with bipolar disorder also commonly face Night terrors.” [Deep sigh]

Because of all my weird sleep problems, it makes dating extra weird. It’s an odd conversation to be an adult and tell someone you’re intimate with, “well, if I stay over, there’s a chance I’ll wake up screaming in the middle of the night. And also a chance I may thrash around in my waking and hit you.” Oh cool. Normal. I even once had a night terror on a plane and yelped upon waking, frightening the woman next to me. I’m just glad I didn’t punch her.

Recently, I returned home from road gigs around 1:30am, Sunday morning. Exhausted from driving gig to gig, and shows (even though they were fun), I could not wait to be under covers and surrounded by my many pillows. I didn’t fall asleep quickly, but when I did was not aware I was asleep. In this nightmare, there were people outside planning a break in. I heard them approach, fuck with my door, and banging on the windows. I started freaking out about it, only to wake up in my bed.

I wasn’t awake though. It was your classic “dream within a dream” scenario. I had first reached for the TV remote besides me to comfort myself with the glow from the television. But it wouldn’t turn on. So I leaned over to turn on my book lamp, which is actually breaking, but that also failed to turn on.

[I mean this light is seriously pathetic.]

So I got up to turn on the light switch to the room. Nothing. Darkness. Then I heard someone at the door again. And there was someone at my window. No not someone… something. Yes, I’m on the first floor, but there is an initial walk up so a person couldn’t stand in front of my windows like that. I didn’t know what this was, but I was scared shitless. The electricity was out and there was something watching me. The thing moved through the wall and then was inside with me. There was no escape or running to the door. It would get me. My heart raced. I was terrified. I didn’t know what was happening. But then, a little voice in my head fought the situation with logic, “it’s a bad dream Lori. People and monsters alike can’t go through walls. You’re still asleep. Wake up.”

It’s not so easy to wake yourself up in sleep. I basically try to move my head really fast. C’mon, Lori. Wake up. Wake up. My body feels so heavy. I’m so tired. I need this sleep. But I also need to not be in this nightmare.

I open my eyes in my bed. But then I realize something else. I’m not in my bed. Or at least, my bed of the present. I’m in my bedroom in my childhood home. It’s dark, but everything is as I remember it. I don’t think my memory has ever allowed me to forget an inch of that house. I don’t know if I should be relieved or not. I want to wake up. Instead, my subconsciousness is moving me into different rooms of my psyche. I’m still scared. I want to run upstairs to mom and dad. In fact, I can hear my dad. I can hear his voice. I try to yell for him, but voice is raspy and low. I wonder how far back in my memory I am, because Lisa and I shared a room into our teens. Maybe the dream version of my sister is here. I’m so scared. I’ve fully regressed into a kid who’s knees shake in the dark.

I feel the thing, before I see it. It followed me into this dream. In fact, I’m sure it’s able to jump through dreams like Freddy Kruger and it wants me. I can hear nothing but my heartbeat. It’s close and getting closer. I don’t let myself look at it. I only eye it from my peripheral. I will not look at it. It’s not real. It can’t get me if I don’t look at it. I try calling for my family again. Mom, Dad, Lisa, Mitch. I thrash my body back and forth. Until I’m back in my current bed. My home in Queens.

I reach for the remote and turn on the TV. Then, I turn on my light. I am actually awake now. I am covered in sweat. My sheets are wet. My hair is curly from perspiration. My heart still racing. I put on a surfing documentary because I’m not turning all the lights off again. I need to sleep more. I’m so fucking tired. But still, afraid to sleep. I did get back to sleep and into another dream, that wasn’t quite a nightmare, but not a good one either. I had to move to another apartment due to these people or figures that were stalking me and I was not happy about (though the new apartment was much bigger and nicer than my apartment, with an outside balcony that overlooked the city). Still, it wasn’t home and I hated it. One of my friends came to me in dream form because I was still so rattled.

Come morning, I was exhausted from what was a stressful sleep. Not all my vivid dreams are awful. I have good ones too. They are equally memorable. However, the night terrors linger a little longer, making a sunset not just beautiful, but something you want to reach out to and hold, in order to keep everything from going dark.