The Childless Woman

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• May 21, 2024

To be honest, like every other 30s woman on the planet who doesn’t have kids, I’m pretty sick and tired of the bullshit coming from both sides.

Either it’s from one side telling us we’re selfish and unfulfilled, or you have another side mocking mothers preaching that we are constantly living our best lives without the burden of being caretakers. And you know what? The truth is it’s somewhat in between.

Here, at 35, I’m on the dock waving to the “mother ship” that I will likely never have kids— something I pretty much knew in my 20s. And not because I hate kids and babies. In fact, I love kids and babies (and usually they love me!). Besides being a comedian and a writer, the only other job I ever loved was being a nanny of a family of four kids, who are older now (and one of them I got a job at Fox Weather) and I love the whole family dearly, considering them kin. Pursing comedy and being an artist, I knew, would mean sacrifices. Additionally, I’m a guarded person with trust issues and struggled (or still do?) with intimacy. Still, I figured if I met the right man, perhaps a family would happen, and it never did. I was never going to settle for not being in love. I’ve watched too many luke warm couples delve into comfortable but not good relationships and I’d rather be alone than lonely in a relationship. Additionally, I found out in my 20s that I have polycystic ovaries and bearing children would be troublesome for me. So I needed to accept that being a mother might not ever be in the cards for me.

Because my siblings, cousins and friends have little ones, I get my fix when it comes to being a maternal figure. I’m extremely close to my nephews and niece and love them more than anything. But I also do love the freedom of doing whatever the fuck I want, when I want.

I love not answering to anyone and traveling on whims. I love making plans and canceling them. I love having an unconventional life and being an artist and a weirdo. I love not having to go to PTA meetings and getting fucked up. I love sleeping as much as I want. I love having as many or as little responsibilities as I choose. I love having the time to stay in shape. I love changing my fate. I love knowing I can run away when I get the urge to.

Yes. There are lots of advantages to being a childless woman. There are plenty of mothers (including friends and family) that follow me on social media who say, “I live vicariously through your adventures.” And on the other end, I genuinely love their posts about their little ones because kids are usually funnier (and sweeter) than adults.

Most of the mothers I know don’t put any pressure on me to be a mother. In fact, the opposite is true. They, like me, are honest about the hardships of parenting. They are tired, spend all their money on their family, they are worried about their futures and health. It’s a lot of stress. They wouldn’t trade their kids for anything and aren’t resentful for my life, but they applaud me, or any woman, for forging their own path.

Though, I also warn men my age to be cautious of dating women in their 30s. Because even though I am actively trying to never be pregnant, those maternal instincts are there and strong. There are times I’ll be in a store and find myself in the baby clothes section, only to lose time there and be like, “why the fuck am I rubbing a baby sock against my face?” You can’t undo what’s written in our DNA, which for the aging woman, is an urge to bear children.

I hate it when I hear the narrative that not having kids is selfish. Because I could heavily argue the opposite. Most parents want their kids to be just like them— to look like them and have the same interests as them. Having kids can be an act of selfishness. If I had children, I really wouldn’t want them to be like me. Even when I look at my siblings kids, who in some ways are like me and look like me, I want them to be SO MUCH better than me.

Additionally, the world is overpopulated and I think it’s actually better we make less humans. What about the argument that we are making less humans and we won’t have enough people to fill jobs? Well, remember you’re reading the blog of a writer who was replaced by AI. AI is going to take a lot of jobs. The revolution is coming, and frankly, the future scares me and I’m unsure this world is worthy of my seed.

I do think Idiocracy is in full effect; that the smart people are choosing to have no kids or 1 or 2 kids, while the dumb people are still reproducing in large numbers. In fact, it’s been proven that the public IQ is steadily decreasing. Don’t believe me? Look at who runs the country, or all the talentless reality stars people worship, or go outside and talk to almost anyone. The lack of interesting and smart people in this world is astounding. When I find them, I try to keep them in my life. Too often I’m starved for simulating conversation.

I do think having a family and putting them before yourself is one of the most virtuous things you can do. But just because people have a family doesn’t mean they are putting their family first. There is, especially, a severe lack of good fathers (men, in general) in this world. If you disagree with me, you are not paying attention. Usually that’s a result of their father not being great (or around) and it just perpetuates the cycle. So it’s no mystery to me why it’s more likely women initiate divorce, or that more and more women aren’t settling for men who don’t treat them like they’re special.

Be cautious of anyone who is married to brush strokes. If someone says any lifestyle is for certain better than another, that is both a red flag and mark of their lack of imagination. What is best for you isn’t what’s best for others. Trust me, when I make an impromptu trip to Hawaii for three weeks and surf every day, meeting cute and cool people, and smoking weed for sunsets, I’m not pining for a family. It feels pretty great. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have moments in parks where I’m playing peekaboo with a random toddler where I don’t miss a certain part of being human.

I spend plenty of time with the youngin’s of my family and I love their hugs and kissing them. But sometimes after spending long hours with them, I am exhausted and grateful to go to a quiet home and get annoying children songs out of my head and listen to punk rock instead.

There are always pros and cons to every life. There are always rewards to choosing one path and compromises for not choosing another. Don’t be fooled by anyone who says otherwise. And don’t be jealous of the grass on the other side. For certain, there are moments they look at your life and want to trade places.

While I have the best mother for me (Donna is legend), I also have “motherless mothers” in my family who have played an important role in my life. Not all of my Aunts have kids, including my Aunt Karen, Aunt Mary, Aunt Rosanne, and our “adopted” Aunt Cathy. Aunt Rosanne and Aunt Cathy have been two of the most prominent mother figures in my life, and not only do I look up to them, I’ve turned to them in time of need. They would have been stellar mothers, I’ve no doubt, but not for a second do I think their lives are any less of those who did have kids. In fact, they’ve done more traveling (and got to keep all the money they made) and married great men (later in life) and live a life the majority of people would envy. Lucky for me, I have strong independent women who have very fulfilled lives to look up to know that that not being a mom is okay, and that you can still be a “motherless mother” of sorts.

The lectures from either side of the mother versus childless women is almost as tired as a mother of a newborn (almost, nothing is as tired as those women). So, just live the life you’re living and stop telling people how to live theirs. And when I get a little sad I’m not a mom, I look at my abs and I think, “wow, those are pretty great too,” and then I plan my next tropical vacation where I don’t have to wear a shirt.