The Worst Night Of Your Life

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• December 31, 2024

In New York, I rarely talk to the Uber drivers. In fact, I dread it if they start conversation with me. I’d rather be treated like a princess and we have zero conversion. Almost always, I’m listening to music in my headphones anyway.

In Hawaii, if I took an Uber, I’d always have a conversation with the drivers. The vibes of the island are contagious, and after some time, I’d absorb the island ways, shedding my cold city exterior. What’s crazier, is I even enjoyed these conversations with the Uber drivers.

There’s certain things you should know about me, if you don’t already… while I consider myself a neutral realist, my friends would say I lean pessimistic. They have a range of nicknames for me, as I can be cranky and view the world as a brutal place and people as ignorant at best, horrid at worst. They call me “grandpa Lori” or “Debbie Downer,” like one of my all time favorite SNL characters played by the impossibly hilarious Rachel Dratch.

It’s true I can be this way, especially when my mind if fogged with melancholy moods. And so, to avoid being a drag, when I am feeling such lows, I’d rather confine myself alone in my apartment. That, though, usually makes me worse. I’ve learned in much therapy that you have to love all the parts of yourself, even the ugly ones, which isn’t so easy to do. I have to love the part of me that deplores life and thinks nothing is worth it and it’s all for naught? Yes, they said, learn to love your inner demons and then you can find peace.

Fucking hell.

And so, because I’m a starkly self aware person, I do make an effort to not torrentially down pour on people’s parades (even if I know the T-Rex always comes in the down pour). Though, if I love you, I probably will be like Bruno in “Encanto” and warn you of every bad outcome I see, even if it means pisses my loved ones off.

Let’s return to an Uber ride in Hawaii. Many Hawaiians have never been to New York and find it somewhat fascinating I’m from there. Hawaii and New York couldn’t be more opposite. This man had been to New York once, about ten years ago, and we was returning this year to spend New Years Eve in Times Square.

Have I ever been to Times Square during New Years Eve? Hell. Fucking. No. That is a complete nightmare. Packed among a giant crowd… no place to pee for hours and hours… cold… everything about the experience sounds dreadful. The friends I know who have done it said they would never do it again.

As if that won’t be bad enough… this guy is staying in Newark. NEWARK! What a fucking dump! I’m sure he’s saving a few bucks while doing so. But can you imagine commuting from Newark to Times Square on New Year’s Eve and then getting BACK to Newark after midnight? I mean, I wouldn’t do that for less than $20,000. And I’m flat broke!

Why, oh why, sir, are you doing this to yourself. This is going to be THE WORST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. Every minute of it is going to be horrible. And we know now, on New Year’s Eve, it’s going to rain all night into the New Year. Also. I hear New Year’s Eve in Honolulu is a real banger. A huge party on the beach with an amazing firework show. I’d pay to be there!

How do I tell this guy he woefully fucked up? How? Can he get a refund? Come to New York literally any other time and it’ll be a better experience. Maybe, though, it’s not my place to rain on his New Years Eve (mother nature will do that). Just give him tips. Like dehydrate yourself because there will be no place to pee. And layer up (a Hawaiian is not going to be used to New York cold). Most of all, if I were you, I’d bring a pocket full of valiums because I don’t do well in crowds like that. Be careful in Newark, it’s a shit place. Ugly as all can be, compared to anywhere, let alone the paradise that is Hawaii. Finally, the rest of 2025 will likely be a dream cruise, after that night in Times Square, what every New Yorker would consider the second circle of Hell.