If You Give A Lori A Martini

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• March 17, 2025

If you give a Lori a Martini at the Lounge Bar in the Casino at the Borgata after her show, she’s going to ask for it extra dirty.

When you give her the extra dirty martini, she’ll probably nibble on the olives.

When she’s nibbled on the olives, she’ll become more thirsty and and drink the whole martini.

Then, she’ll be looking to get a second martini.

When you give a Lori a second martini, she’ll be filling out song requests for the piano player at the lounge bar.

And when the piano player plays her Amy Winehouse request, Lori will tap her toes.

If you give a Lori a third option for a drink, she’ll opt to slow it down after two martini’s and go with a Tito’s and soda. A basic white girl drink, but it’s clean, low on calories, and has a minimal sting in the morning.

If you give a Lori a Tito’s soda, she’ll probably be looking to toke some weed.

If you give a Lori a weed toke, she’ll probably want a glass of water. Best to hydrate whilst drinking.

If you give a Lori a glass of water, she’ll probably have to pee.

If you give a Lori another drink after relieving her bladder, she’ll probably have warmed up to the idea of hitting the club, even though she isn’t in “clubbing” attire— rather clothes from the comedy show— a button down and skinny jeans, looking like a lesbian from the early 2000s.

If you point out to her that no one else she is hanging out with (other comics) is dressed “for da clurb,” including her one buddy who is wearing a blazer looking like a comedian from the 1980s, she probably won’t really give a shit, but she’ll want another drink.

If you give a Lori yet another drink, and don’t give her enough time to finish it before entering the club, she’ll have to chug it before going in.

If Lori is allowed in the club despite her bad fashion, she’ll look around and notice all the girls are dressed in skin tight short dresses and are much younger than her, however, none of them look like they’re having any FUN… no dancing, just standing around looking hot.

If the club is playing bad house music, Lori will need one more drink to go to the dance floor and show these club people what’s up.

If you give a Lori a drink for the dance floor, she’ll likely spill half of it from doing really cool moves, like the robot.

If you give a Lori another drink, replacing the one she half spilled, she will inevitably say, “hold my drink” to her friend as a dancing circle forms.

If Lori gives you her drink to hold, she’ll jump in the middle of the circle, starting with some ridiculous dance moves she’s learned from SNL characters and Wednesday Adamms, followed by dropping to her knees, tearing her shirt off (she has a white tank top underneath, but a black bra on, so it’s rather see through), then going into breakdancing like Raygun with a six step and proceeding into the worm.

If you give Lori back her drink while the club erupts in a chant for her, she’ll raise her glass in glory, acknowledging the patrons excitement for busting open this dance party… cheers!!!!! The worst dressed girl in the entire place, suddenly a hero.

If you are super impressed with how cool Lori is by fully not giving a shit how cool she is, now carrying a ripped shirt, confidently drinking in her see through and tattered wife beater and high five her, “it’s the break dance girl!” she’ll smile, slyly, with her friends who are laughing, more impressed than embarrassed, and be ready for another drink.

If you give a Lori another drink (she lost count), she might reach her limit, sweaty from dancing and decide to call it night, putting on what’s left of her shirt.

If a drunkard Lori heads to her room, she might realize that she kind of has the munchies and wants a cookie.

And if you give a Lori a cookie, well, she’ll want a glass of milk.