Apocalypse Thoughts

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• January 27, 2023

It’s hard to say when I first started planning for the end of days, because once it starts, it really just doesn’t stop. I even remember being a kid in church and imagining the priest suddenly turning into a zombie, and then carnage begins and I would look around the church at all the things I could climb. I figured if I could climb one of the statues (which would be easy, I was an expert climber and weighed very little), I could smash the stained glass with a bible and run free. In the 16 years I went to church every Sunday, I fantasized about the outburst of a zombie attack more than I paid attention.

It wasn’t just church though. School. Stores. The street. I was always thinking about my escape plan. You guys do this too, right? (I don’t care.)

Despite my love of zombie movies and literature, I, like so many, became burnt on the genre when Hollywood did it to death and it kept coming back to life like a zombie. Though, my love of genre has been renewed because of HBO’s “The Last of Us.”

I’ve dwelled on my apocalypse escape plan in Astoria probably more than what is healthy. Living in Queens in the midst of a zombie apocalypse (or robots?) is basically a death sentence. There are just too many people. Unless you have a friend with a helicopter which I’m working on in case of this scenario.

Since I live right by the East River, I figure my best chance at survival is escaping via water. This, however, is tricky as the East River is known for it’s extremely fast rip tides. As a surfer, I know all too well the dangers of a strong rip. I’ve almost drowned before. Sadly, usually a couple kids drown in the East River every summer because they underestimated the force of water.

Additionally, if the apocalypse happens in the winter, going in the East River is basically killing yourself. Yes, I have a full wetsuit, but it’s not thick enough for winter temperatures. Though, owning a wetsuit is a key tool to escaping NYC via river.

So, the apocalypse has started and I’m in my studio apartment in Astoria like, “ah fuck, I knew I should have spent more of my money on good restaurants and drugs. What a waste!” Even though I own a car, it would be useless getting out of Queens. I would suit up in my wetsuit. Wrap some clothes in a plastic waterproof bag and put it in a backpack. Fill all my water bottles up with water. And pack some food.

This couple who lives two doors down own a kayak. I would attempt to steal the kayak, as your likelihood on a kayak for survival would be better than one of my surf boards. I know it’s kind of weird to admit you’re ready to steal a kayak from a friendly neighbor in the midst of the end of the world, but truthfully, they’re old, so my probability of survival on the East river is far greater than theirs. Also, do you know how quickly people would become murderers and rapists in the apocalypse? It’s not that messed up to steal a kayak at the end of the world. If you’re judging me, then you probably haven’t spent THAT much time thinking about how this can all end in nuclear war soon.

Let’s say I successfully steal the kayak. I’d pay a visit to my neighbor/friend, Doc (a retired doctor whom I watch footballs with on Sundays). It is not my intention to save him (he’s 70, it wouldn’t be practical to put him in a kayak or on a surfboard). We’re good friends though and I’d ask if he had any antibiotics I could take on my survival journey. I wouldn’t rob  him, mind you, he’s the fucking man. But because he is a good person, I think he would send me with supplies (he’s twice come to my apartment when I thought I was having a medical emergency due to gastritis). I’d hug him goodbye and wish him the best, as he would do for me.

Now, I’m forging the east river on a stolen kayak with minimal but important supplies. I don’t own any guns but I do own knives and swords (yes, that’s plural). I’d be equipped with all these. Let’s say the current of the East River is running North. This would be most optimal to ride the current North. I’d save a ton of energy and my goal would be to get to Connecticut.

Why am I going to Connecticut? Glad you asked. I was going to tell you anyway. There’s nothing in Connecticut I care about. However, my goal would be to go to Long Island. Going to Long Island is a bad plan for survival. They’re not as fucked as the boroughs, but the outlook for Long Island would also not be great. Though, my only goal in this scenario would be to be reunited with my nephews and niece and try to ensure their survival at the cost of anything including murdering people who threaten them (hey lawyer friends, am I going to get in trouble for writing this?).

The plan would be to cross the Long Island Sound (probably would have to steal another boat) and try to find them. And once I’m reunited with my family, the goal would once again to get on a boat and head south.

If I didn’t have little ones in my life that I love more than life itself, I’d probably just immediately head south. If all this is going to shit, I’d like to spend my final moments on the beach with turquoise water before everything gets all contaminated and shit. Eventually, I’d probably just throw myself off a cliff in order to prevent getting bit by a zombie/radiation poisoning from the nukes/getting raped by men who will immediately turn into animals once the power grid fails.

I don’t think zombies will be the cause of apocalypse. Nor aliens. The aliens come and go, if they wanted us dead, we would be. Nuclear war or another far worse pandemic of an Ebola level virus are most likely. Killer robots are for sure possible but I figure far less likely than disease/bombing ourselves to extinction.

All I know… is when the world comes crumbling down, I’ll be like, “dammit there are still so many TV shows I was planning on watching! Some about the end of the world! I don’t want to live it, just watch it!: