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The Girl In The Pretty Blue Dress, Knives, Jesus & Gay Sex
September 3, 2019
Which part of this title hooked you in? Was it gay sex or Jesus? The gay sex/Jesus combination? I’m working on making titles more alluring. How do you feel about this meta introduction to my blog? Is it annoying or clever? Often times clever people are quite annoying. You’d feel this way too if I
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You Made It Worth It
August 29, 2019
It may be hard for many of you to picture a drunk Lori, in a yellow flowered dress, singing a Celine Dion song to my gay best friend at a wedding table, my 11th or 12th vodka soda in hand. But then others, like the bride, would have no trouble picturing it at all. This wedding was
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Hydrogen Peroxide
August 22, 2019
“FUCK ME. FUCKIN’ HELL. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS AND BACKWARDS. FUCK. WHY DOES THIS HURT SO BAD.” The faint sizzling sound of bubbles cleaning open blisters on the palms of my hands come with a sting that makes me question how well I actually do handle physical pain. They’re from doing monkey bars at the outdoor
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The Red Wedding
August 15, 2019
Despite the end, the all together too bizarre and bloody finale of the evening, it is still probably the best wedding I’ve ever attended. It was one of my many cousin’s weddings. Out of 19 first cousins, the bride was not only my cousin but a best friend throughout my entire life. And so, naturally,
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Beast of Burden
August 7, 2019
My boss at my new job is the type of guy who says both, “oh heck” and “oh shit” in the exact same tone. It’s odd but endearing in it’s own way. He’s so completely dry and low energy he makes me look manically charged. Hands down, one of the nicest bosses I’ve had in
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Ass Pats & Strange Chats
July 30, 2019
“Couldn’t quite seem to escape myself Far enough, far enough Far from Florida We were all drowsing in cruise control Far enough, far enough Wasn’t far enough I stood on my heart supports thinkin’ Oh my God, I’ll probably have to carry this whole load I couldn’t remember if I tried I couldn’t remember if
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North
July 25, 2019
“You don’t bend for the audience, I respect that,” says comedian I opened for, some four or five years ago. And while winning the respect of comedian brotheran has and is more important to me than audience response, I felt it was kind of backhanded compliment that I had good jokes, but I bombed. This
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Till I Get To Sleep
July 17, 2019
“I have to show you something in case they’re not back by 7am,” the boy says, 5 going on 6, son a fellow comedian, named after a famous comedian. I was babysitting him for the evening. His parents would be back long before 7am. He led me to the refrigerator where he had a liquid
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Don’t.
July 9, 2019
“Tell us about yourself.” It’s my first day at the new job. We’re in a conference room. White. Modern. Pristine. It’s me, my boss, and two other guys who work for the company. “I’m a writer and a comedian.” And then I sat there, with an awkward grin. Trying not to squirm in my own
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An Open Letter To My Arch Nemesis
July 1, 2019
To My Arch Nemesis– You nasty bitch. You’re a viscous, horrible existing creature. When people speak of your grace and beauty, I think about wringing my fingers around your thin, long neck. I have seen what you are capable of. You’re a monster. I assumed you probably were already dead until I found out that
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