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The Times I Should Have Quit Comedy
August 6, 2017
THE FIRST TIME I TRIED IT Ah, yes, that first high. My first show went surprisingly great. I did a bringer show at Stand-Up NY, inviting limited friends (in case I bombed I didn’t want a lot of people knowing/witnessing). A born adrenaline junky, I was always seeking ways to feed the Id with pleasure.
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Special
July 29, 2017
“I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.” ― Umberto Eco, Foucault’s Pendulum “What are you writing?” A middle aged man with a sun burn, wearing a suit, presumably
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Cigarette
July 24, 2017
A waitress crouches in a dirty New York City alley to light her cigarette. It’s hot. She wipes beads of sweat from her forehead as she takes a drag. She’s about my age. Dark hair. Light eyes. Pretty. I wanted to be her. Not overall. No, not at all. I rarely want to be anyone
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Drained
July 17, 2017
Sand plus long hair clogs a drain like a motherfucker. And every so often, you can find me, with a makeshift snake from a wire hanger I was saving for a home abortion (a joke, relax), hunched over my tub, pulling black globs of hair and just disgusting shit out of my tub drain. Gagging,
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OKAY
July 9, 2017
A year ago, I was in Iceland marveling at some of the best this naturally stunning world has to offer. The dreamscape imagery, taste of glacial water, and memories of that trip do not seem long ago, and yet the feels of serenity, present mindfulness, and receptiveness to gratitude seem very far. The greatest drug
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HAZE
July 3, 2017
“Are you a surfer?” “Of course she’s a surfer! She’s wearing a wetsuit! You idiot!” The plump woman with missing teeth yelled at the man who was tanned, wrinkled, and they both seemed high as hell. They were showering in the outside shower at Robert Moses. I mean, legitimately showering. I was rinsing, and peeling
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Chester Copperpot
June 26, 2017
Any 90’s kid (who’s cool) is undoubtedly a “Goonies” fan. What’s not to like? Adventure! Comedy! Yet to be found pirates treasure! My siblings and I watched this movie so many times, we’d quote the jokes endlessly on our own little adventures. Especially being south shore Long Island kids, we always deemed ourselves somewhat mischievous
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JTP
June 19, 2017
A couple months ago, my aunt, uncle, and cousin came to see me open for Colin Quinn, which was a great show for a number of reasons. While the audience was very complimentary post show, my favorite compliment came from my cousin, who said, “it’s just crazy watching you up there, you’re so much like
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California Dreamin’
June 11, 2017
When I was in college (ten years ago?), my family took a vacation to San Diego. It was the last family vacation we’ve been on. I remember we bickered a lot that trip. My sister was your typical teenaged nightmare daughter, my brother was an ass, and I, as always, was an absolute pleasure (sarcastic
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Coke & Card Tricks
June 4, 2017
I will retell this story to the best of my drug infused memory. I will change my boyfriend’s name at the time to Paul, even though that was not his name, and I’ve never dated a Paul. It should be noted that my memory is flawed and some of this is likely fiction. Paul was
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