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HAZE
July 3, 2017
“Are you a surfer?” “Of course she’s a surfer! She’s wearing a wetsuit! You idiot!” The plump woman with missing teeth yelled at the man who was tanned, wrinkled, and they both seemed high as hell. They were showering in the outside shower at Robert Moses. I mean, legitimately showering. I was rinsing, and peeling
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Chester Copperpot
June 26, 2017
Any 90’s kid (who’s cool) is undoubtedly a “Goonies” fan. What’s not to like? Adventure! Comedy! Yet to be found pirates treasure! My siblings and I watched this movie so many times, we’d quote the jokes endlessly on our own little adventures. Especially being south shore Long Island kids, we always deemed ourselves somewhat mischievous
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JTP
June 19, 2017
A couple months ago, my aunt, uncle, and cousin came to see me open for Colin Quinn, which was a great show for a number of reasons. While the audience was very complimentary post show, my favorite compliment came from my cousin, who said, “it’s just crazy watching you up there, you’re so much like
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California Dreamin’
June 11, 2017
When I was in college (ten years ago?), my family took a vacation to San Diego. It was the last family vacation we’ve been on. I remember we bickered a lot that trip. My sister was your typical teenaged nightmare daughter, my brother was an ass, and I, as always, was an absolute pleasure (sarcastic
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Coke & Card Tricks
June 4, 2017
I will retell this story to the best of my drug infused memory. I will change my boyfriend’s name at the time to Paul, even though that was not his name, and I’ve never dated a Paul. It should be noted that my memory is flawed and some of this is likely fiction. Paul was
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Going To Hell
May 28, 2017
“Most people go to Hell for sins of the flesh,” my 93 year old devout Catholic Grandpa tells me for the 790th time. Apparently my Grandpa works for the census in Hell, and has that one figured out. Though it seems rather unfair we’ll all be doomed for eternal torture for just fucking around a
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The One I Love
May 21, 2017
Poor posture was blamed on scoliosis, but the truth is, my crooked spine mostly straightened out in my very late growth spurt. This, I was told, is rare. Usually scoliosis gets worse with growth spurts. I’m just lucky I guess. But even before I perpetually slouched in front of a lap top, or notebook, I
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Lily
May 14, 2017
It is unjust to blame my macabre mind on being an employee at a nursing home for four years. Going in I was already a cynical, Poe-obssesed and pensive person. Of course as I got older I’d grow more calloused, mistrusting, and realism would spill over into pessimism. Of course with being distant I’d grow
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Volume Control
May 7, 2017
At 18, I bought my first car. A 2001 silver Nissan Altima, with cigarette burns on the seats, and I bought it, cash, with all the money I had made from being a child laborer (seriously, I had jobs that broke child labor laws for years). I couldn’t be more thrilled. I loved that car
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Mumbling Me
April 30, 2017
Phone calls were always screened at our house growing up. No one ever jumped for the ringing phone. I think my sheer contempt for the sound of the ring started then. I couldn’t stand it. There weren’t many times I was expecting or anticipating calls. It was just an interruption. I’m unsure what I was
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