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Easter Egg Hunt
April 4, 2015
“You’re going to die a horrible death, remember. It’s all good training, and you’ll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced lifeforms, and they’ll call you crazy.” –From Illusions, The Adventures
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Top 12 Film Character Crushes
March 29, 2015
12. Harry Hart, Kingsman (Colin Firth) I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, there’s nothing sexier than a gentleman who can also kick ass (and, often does). Kingsman is a roller coaster of non stop action, one-liners, and the adorable Colin Firth making being a nerd look so fucking cool. Also, having an
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The Garage Door
March 23, 2015
Time and time again, leaving for church Sunday morning (yes, I went to church every Sunday for the first 16 years of my life–does that explain a lot?), or going on any trip short or long with the whole family in the van, my Dad reminded us all to put our seat belts on (he
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Nightmares
March 13, 2015
Most mornings, I mosey around my apartment interpreting the meaning of the night’s dreams while getting ready for the day. It’s rare I wake without a memory of at least one dream. More than not, these dreams are pretty easy to interpret: a stress dream about work, a sex dream, getting booked to do stand-up
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Orgasm
March 9, 2015
From an early age, it was apparent my brother was dyslexic. It was damn hard for him to read. With every sentence he wrote, there was a blaring dyslexic mistake. He had his tests read to him, and was forced to take special reading classes. Teachers suspected that I too might be dyslexic. While the
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Guns N Shit
March 2, 2015
America is no longer a violent country. Not in the true sense of the word. We are “Die Hard” violent. We love a good action movie, where the protagonist can drive a car off a bridge, AK-47 in hand, shooting the bad guy, and right when you think he’s going to die, a smart-ass helicopter
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Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
February 24, 2015
The mistake people make when planning parties and get-togethers, is they are so concerned about other people having fun, they themselves forget to have fun. I’ve seen many hosts fail to enjoy their own events over and over. That’s why when I was planning my sister’s bachelorette party, I decided to plan everything based on
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Cupid is a Dick
February 14, 2015
Years ago, on Valentine’s Day, my best friend Lauren and I decided to go out to dinner. We went to a sushi restaurant. The waitress gave us both roses, and we giggled at the absurdity of it all. Going out to dinner for Valentine’s Day wasn’t some single ladies feminist statement. Lauren and I are
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Panic Attack
February 8, 2015
It has come to my attention that some of my loyal blog readers have never experienced and are quite perplexed about these panic attacks I often speak of. Because I estimate a low number of loyal followers, “some” is probably like a quarter of my readership. Putting a panic attack into words is something I’ve
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Suicidal Fish
January 31, 2015
Sometimes, right before I wake up, I think I’m in my room at my parents house. Not the guest room, where I stay now. The room I grew up in. With all my stuff. Before I moved. Before it was turned into a nursery for my nephew. That’s not so weird, I suppose. But sometimes,
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