Cities! Ranked! USA!

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• October 8, 2017

12. Milwaukee

I come from a large family with a lot of cousins, and one of my closest cousins moved to Milwaukee for her job.  Of course, because I love her dearly, I went to visit.  Besides seeing her, I didn’t care for the city at all.  It just… lacks any charm whatsoever.  I returned to Milwaukee a second time for her wedding with my parents.  The first day we got there we ate and drank a lot.  We had another day to kill before the wedding and my parents asked, “what should we do today.”  “Eat and drink,” I replied, “that’s all there is to do here.”  And that’s what we did.  I am not a fan.  I wouldn’t recommend it.  Hopefully one of your favorite people on the planet doesn’t ever move there.

11. Atlanta

I had a great time in Atlanta.  I was there for the Laughing Skull comedy festival.  All the shows I did were so much fun.  The atmosphere was laid back and supportive.  The aquarium there is amazing (with whale sharks!  I love aquariums because I am an oceanic nerd!).  I had a smile on my face the whole time.  That being said, had I gone to Atlanta not in the midst of a fun comedy festival with cool comics that I like to hang/bond with, I probably would not have liked it so much.

10. Miami

I hate Miami.  I hate everything about it.  It’s seedy.  The people there creep me out.  I’ve been there twice and both times I couldn’t wait to leave.  The only redeeming quality is it is near the ocean, and I love going in the ocean.  That was the best part about Miami for me.  And that’s why it’s better than both Milwaukee and Atlanta, because I went swimming.

9. Indianapolis

I’ve been to Indianapolis three times.  The first time was for the comedy festival, Trial By Laughter, and the second  and third time I was working in clubs.  All experiences were awesome. I did great in the comedy festival, and then I killed every show in the clubs I worked in (I feel like it’s okay for me to brag sometimes because I put myself down a lot in these blogs, and think I’m going to fail a lot, so let me have my victories and be proud of them).  On my first trip there, a local comic said, “How do like the city of Indianapolis?”  And I said, “Aw, you think this is a city?  That’s cute.”  Because I am an asshole New Yorker to the core.  And while I hardly consider Indianapolis a legitimate city, I would happily return there.  A lot of my happiness revolves around comedy and that is not a good thing actually.

8. D.C.

Again, with the big family thing.  I have Aunts, Uncles, and cousins who live just outside of D.C. and I love them.  They are some of the funniest people I’ve ever known, and I always look forward to seeing them, and I miss them dearly. D.C. is a pretty cool city.  I would never live there.  The traffic is even more horrendous than New York, and I find some of the people there to be annoying, but I always have a good time, probably mostly because of my hilarious family, but D.C. of course has much history and amazing museums.  Also, I’ve had fun doing comedy there.

7. Chicago

Even though half my shows were canceled when I was in Chicago due to sporting events (they fucking love their sports), I took full advantage of the drinking scene.  Chicago is a legitimate city, and it’s everything a city should be: a little sketchy, a lot of fun, great crime history, and people with character.  I really look forward to going back there to do comedy again and hanging out there.

6. Asheville

A lot of my U.S. traveling has revolved around comedy.  And yes, I went to Asheville for the Laugh Your Asheville Comedy Festival.  It was the first time I did a theater, and at that time, the largest crowd I ever performed for (over 500 people).  I was so nervous, but I crushed it.  I was still pretty new in comedy, but I remember feeling so overwhelmed with how happy I was, and so hopeful that I DID have a future in this business.  Oh to be young again (some people will want to punch me in the face for writing that).  But Asheville itself is a hippie city in the middle of no where.  The place reminded me of Fire Island.  It had that stoner, “you do you” vibe, whatever the fuck that is, whatever the fuck makes you happy.  Asheville made me happy.

5. Boston

Again, I first visited Boston for the “Boston Comedy Festival.”  Hahaha, comedy really is the focal of my life. And Boston has a great comedy scene where many awesome comics came from (CK, Wright, Burr, Di Paolo).  So the crowds are smart and comedy savvy.  And during the day, I walked around (by myself) to some of the historic sites and old cemeteries (I love history, especially old cemeteries) and then I got shit faced drunk in a pub that our founding fathers conspired in with a couple of comics.  Boston is great city.  It’s too cold though.  And fuck the Pats.

4. Los Angeles

I will be making my fourth trip to LA soon.  I’ve been there for vacation, for stand up, for pitching TV shows.  I assume I will move there one day.  I don’t really want to move there.  I WANT a writing job for a show.  I have to assume I will one day get one, because if I assume I won’t, I would be shooting heroin in my apartment instead of writing this blog.  I don’t really care for LA to be honest.  Of course, if I lived there it would be for a coveted writing job, and while I suspect I would be terribly lonely in that shallow city, especially because I’m not particularly good at making friends and it is rare I make connections with people, but I think the one thing that would save me from crippling depression is that I could surf all year.  Mother Ocean, my forever friend and savior.  Ah yes, life is good with the three S’s: Surf, Stand-up, Sex.

3. Boulder

I loved Boulder.  And I didn’t even do comedy there!  I went with my cousin, and we both agreed it was one of our favorite cities.  And not just because pot is legal and I was gobbling edibles the entire time.  I wish I went to college out there.  If Boulder was near an ocean, I could see myself living there.  It is the coolest city, with interesting people, and stunning backdrops with adventure waiting for you. But I can’t live far from the ocean.  Mountains are gorgeous and hiking is awesome, but I’m a beach girl.

2. Honolulu

It is all together possible that I just love Hawaii and not Honolulu.  But I was impressed that Honolulu is a real city (and I did do comedy there, and murdered, because I am a New York comic who works a lot and Hawaii comics get on stage like four times a month).  I love Hawaii.  I often feel like Hawaii is my “one that got away.”  The one I fantasize about.  Think I would be happiest with.  Dreaming about those epic green mountains, crystal blue water, sea turtles, perfect waves.  If I went to Hawaii before I did comedy, I would have moved there.  No doubt in my mind.  I still sometimes think I’ll quit comedy and move there.  I sometimes think I’d be happier.  But in my ideal career, I would be a stand-up and sitcom writer and then one day, I would have a little house on the beach in Hawaii and write novels.  Hawaii, wait for me.  I’m coming back.  I love you.  We will be together again.

1. New York City

Yup.  My favorite city is the one I grew up just outside of, the one I live in, work in, thrive and sometimes want to kill myself in.  I fucking love New York.  I love everything about it.  The comedy grind, the high hopes, the high failure rate, the culture, the bars, the food, the “fuck you” attitude, the skyline, the pace, the filth, the medicated depressives, the Christmas windows, the art, the museums, the comedy clubs, the concert venues… God, I love it all so much.  New York is like a toxic relationship that you know is probably not good for you, but you cannot get enough. If it were up to me, I would write and perform there my whole life (with some vacations to Hawaii in the winter).  It’s the greatest city there is.  I am more proud to be a New Yorker than an American.  I think living here will kill me one day.  But I’d rather fail in New York as a writer than succeed in anything else, anywhere else.  True love is sometimes a love that you know will not work out.
New York is Home.