But Have You Ever Been In Love With A Rollercoaster?

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• March 16, 2021

Often, I lament how much I need to get my shit together in virtually every part of my life. With my career, dating life, financially stability, mental stability, the fact that I haven’t even found a buried treasure yet. And then I read news articles about people who sneak into their neighbor’s yards to fuck a swan pool float and I think, “you know, I’m not doing so bad.”

I love a good pool float fucking story. Why? Because no one gets hurt. Well… technically the pool float was sodomized and there’s potential for a child to witness it and that would lead to some therapy for both the child and the pool float. But the true reason I love a pool float fucking story is because these stories only ever pop up when the rest of the news isn’t so bleak or the media isn’t fear mongering you. It just sets the right tone for the day when you read the news in the morning and read about a man having sex with a blow up alligator. I have so many questions. So. Many. Questions. And yet, this isn’t a person I’d ever want to talk to.

Just as good was this recent story in the NY Post about a woman who has fallen in love with a rollercoaster. (It’s actually worth reading here.) The woman doesn’t just love rollercoasters. Look, I love rollercoasters. They are a blast. But this woman is in love with a rollercoaster. Like, she wants to have sex with it.

“You could say that I’m sexually drawn to rollercoasters but since I met the Sky Scream rollercoaster, I understood what love was,” the France-born Engel told Jam Press of her attraction to the attraction at Germany’s Holiday Park. “I spend every moment dreaming of a carnal and fusional relationship with it.” The 43-year-old says she has been sexually attracted to objects since she was 12. The painter and poet has had three serious romantic human relationships, but found them all to be traumatic.

Wow, there is so much to unpack there. I’ve had bad breakups but never in the wake of heartache did I crave the cold embrace of a metal lap bar embracing me while I was watching Netflix. Granted, if I could travel back in time to be with a past lover or go on The Incredible Hulk coaster in Universal Studios nine out of ten times I’m going for the upside down thrills.

This woman ‘prefers to date rollercoasters than humans.’ She has a model of the coaster. I mean this is a whole other type of mental illness. You can’t date something that doesn’t know it’s dating you back. So yes, that includes all inanimate objects and most animals (there was once a story about a person who traveled into international waters to marry a penguin and I wasn’t totally against it as long as it was platonic, like most marriages anyway).

Once, I was explaining to someone what I do for radio in regards to morning prep. Mostly, I scour the internet for fun, fluff, or any stories not political or depressing or too sexual. I edit them to their shortest format and create a prep with some other satellite content and jokes as a source for dj’s all over the country.

“So,” they said, “your job is basically to spread good news to the world?”

I laughed at this. Me, Lori Palminteri, the dark humorist spreading feel good news. I’d consider myself a gonzo journalist first. But I guess he’s not wrong.

The thing about working in media is you read a lot of news. And you have to sift through a lot of bad to find good. You’re constantly consuming. Reading. Learning. Too often the more you learn, the more cynical you become, the more the world weighs on you and your faith in people suffer. But not always. There are some people out there who, and I quote, “spend every moment dreaming of a carnal and fusional relationship with [rollercoasters].”

So you’re probably not doing too bad. If you’re reading this and doubtful about your relationships, careers, futures. You’re probably doing okay. And if there’s anything I want to contribute to the world… it’s more stories about UFO’s. They are out there and they have been here. And when the aliens look down at us from their silver ships, they go, “dude, did you see that guy fucking his neighbors pool float? I’m not sure the humans are ready to meet us yet.”