Expensive Coffee

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• July 16, 2024

I don’t even drink coffee. I like it, but it doesn’t like me. Like a British person, I drink copious amounts of tea. All different types. People say this will help me live longer. Though I couldn’t be more open about my disinterest in very long life. Only as long as my mind functions, as do my bowels, and I maintain the ability to move around do I wish to be around. My dying wish is to be cremated one day, and then all my loved ones make a tea out of my ashes and drink it. You guys, I’m kidding that’s insane. But I do want to be cremated and have a book box in my name set up at a beach, where my (increasing library) books can be donated. The healing powers of tea are a mere side benefit to the genuine joy I get from drinking it.

I like coffee. The smell. The taste. The different flavors you can compliment it with, like caramel or vanilla. Coffee, however, does not like me. Or perhaps, a more honest answer, my stomach does not like coffee. It’s too acidic and can make me run for the bathroom like an old person losing control of their bowels.

Years ago, I remember, when I was a high school kid and working as a waiter in a catering hall, I would sometimes drink espresso because we had an espresso machine. This was pretty fancy to me. We worked long hours, late into the night, on your feet the whole time. The only people who got to sit down sometimes were the cigarette smokers. Hell, even I considered picking up the habit just to be allowed to take breaks during a shift. I didn’t though. Still to this day, I’ve never smoked a cigarette. Something I am proud of. Though I’ve smoked a whole lot of other things. The espresso would run through me faster than a squirrel skippering up a tree at the sight of any larger creature. I guess I did ultimately get my breaks to sit down, but they would inevitably be on the toilet.

People often complain about the price of coffee, specifically the likes of Starbucks or others like it. Everything is too expensive, if you ask me, a struggling artist who’s love for her nephews and niece keeps her in New York more than her hope that her craft is going to provide any sort of livable career.

What tires me more than a person who owns a mug that says, “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” who hasn’t yet had their coffee, is people who lecture those who spend too much money on fancy coffee drinks. Do I think it’s a waste of money to spend however much money it costs to get a matcha latte at Starbucks these days? Yes. Yes, I do. But I really do enjoy the hell out of those things.

I don’t know though. Most people hate their jobs, right? They dread the night before knowing they have to go back. They curse at the alarm clock every morning. They say stupid thinks, “at least it’s not Monday,” on Tuesdays. Or like a Bon Jovi song, “we’re half way there,” on Wednesdays. “One more day to go,” on Thursdays. And finally, TGIF. The monotony of their groundhog day lives, cemented in the fact that they say the same things week to week. Some Twilight Zone episode nightmare.

To this end, I cannot begrudge the average citizen for waiting on a Starbucks line and spending too much money on coffee. It literally gets them out of bed in the morning. If this overpriced drink will bring you happiness in an otherwise doldrums day (which is the best case scenario), then I say sip away at the aromatic beverage. Go for it, I say.

Like most writers, I’ve spent far too much time in Starbucks or other cafes, typing away at my keyboard. It’s extremely easy to justify an expensive drink when you intend to spend hours there. There was one Starbucks I frequented on Long Island where I would cast a judging eye at patrons. You see, there was a gym nearby. Often, you’d see people still sweating in their workout clothes to get an extra pick me up in the cafe. This is fine, of course. What perturbed me was that often these people were heavily out of shape (pun not intended, but there it is). It’s okay to be out of shape, especially if you’re working to get in shape. Commendable, indeed. Though, these people would order a medium or large (I’ve only ever ordered Starbucks drinks going by small/medium/large) Frappuccino, topped with whipped cream.

That’s like 1000 calories.

It always made me wonder if they were just stupid or didn’t care. These same type of people will wonder why they aren’t losing weight. Look, I drink my calories plenty (in the form of alcohol), but I’m not about to whip up a Pina Colada after running three miles.

In the free world, or “free-ish” world, I don’t believe it is anyone’s business how you spend your money. You can spend thousands of dollars a year on morning coffee, even though you desperately need to fix a leak in your roof or something. I do not give a shit. We all spend money where we shouldn’t. Would we even be American if we didn’t? Leave the coffee addicts alone. Don’t judge them. Unless they are really fat and drinking coffee spiked milkshakes. Those people need to get it the fuck together. Of course, if they had stomach issues like me, a coffee drink would help them lose weight because they would just shit it out. So I guess I really have that going for me. If nothing else.