Female Mentor Wanted

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• February 26, 2017

I’m fresh off of a women in comedy panel at Yale, and yes, I refrained from my “fuck the system” attitude, and acted as a professional comedian.  Me on a panel at Yale is hilarious for a great number of reasons, but I’ll spare you.  It did bring to light something that has been missing in my life for years: a female mentor.

Most of my friends since I was a kid are male.  In comedy, that never changed.  In fact, all of my best friends are male, and my closest female friend is my cousin who once said, “I can never picture you comfortably hanging out with a group of girls.”  So yeah, from tomboy to comedian, I’ve always been one of those girls who are “one of the guys.”  My attitude, in general, is kind of dude leaning.  I’m an asshole with a very dry sense of humor, I love sports, I hate romantic comedies, I have an R2D2 garbage can in my apartment, I surf or skateboard to relieve stress, I absolutely loathe wearing heels, and my favorite books usually revolve around drugs and/or sex.

I’m the middle child in my family.  The second born female.  When I first came into the world, my dad was disappointed I wasn’t a boy.  He so badly wanted a son to watch football with and crack jokes.  Well, he did get a son after me.  But my brother isn’t into watching sports.  Ironically, I’m the son my dad always wanted.

Even in my dating life, I seem to have a masculine temperament.  I never want to talk about feelings and I rarely like to talk about what’s on my mind.  I never want to talk on the phone.  Ever.  I like to put my pants on and go home after sex.  I like to be alone A LOT (like, way more than the normal human).  I’m shallow.  I’m made extremely uncomfortable by any compliment along the lines of “you’re beautiful.”  My compliments are almost always backhanded.  And there will be no end to my smart ass comments about literally everything.

The older I got, the more I strayed from female friends and just hung out with the boys in my neighborhood.  I wasn’t (still not) into fashion.  I thought any magazine was trash that wasn’t MAD magazine or a surfing magazine.  I never had the attention span to sit around and talk about crushes I had for more than two minutes.  I just wanted to run around and play sports, so that’s what I did.  I’m not saying men are funnier than women.  But, in my experience growing up, the boys were funnier than the girls, so that’s who I wanted to hang out with.  We had more common interests.  And one of those interests were comedy.  Throughout my entire life, I’ve bonded with dudes over chicks when it came to comedy.  That’s just how it was.

So, when I got into comedy, being usually the only female amongst a boys club was actually comforting for me.  Like being in the ocean waiting for surf, I was the only girl, and it didn’t phase me in the least.  There are just way more guys doing comedy, so it’s not really surprising at all that my best friends in comedy are male, as well as the people who’ve mentored me and helped me along the way.  I could never bash the opposite gender in comedy for being unfair to me.  This has not been my experience.  Sure, I’ve heard male comics and bookers say completely moronic and unjust words about female stand-ups.  And yes, I’ve been hit on and even creeped out a couple times.  But these cases have been pretty rare.  The Long Island comedians especially took on big brother roles in my early years as a comic and have helped me grow, get opportunities, and treated me as a peer, despite my gender or age (though treating you equally often means busting your balls, and taking a beating in jest).  There are at least three (the ever hated straight white male) guys that without their continuous support I would have dropped out of comedy.  This has never bothered me.  I’ve always seen our relationship as a Liz Lemon/Jack Donaghy sort of dynamic.

This is not to say that I don’t have a thirst for some sort of female mentor, because there’s a vacancy in that role.  I would like it very much to be filled by a smart, artist type.  If I got to nominate someone, it be Wendy Liebman.  I feel completely comfortable saying this, because Wendy is the greatest.  Not only is she a super hilarious comedian, she is really one of the sweetest people on the planet.  Unfortunately, she’s a west coast comic, and I’ve only had the pleasure of working with her a couple times, and this really hinders the bond I wish we had.  Is this creepy?  Am I being creepy?  That’s okay.  I’m kind of a creep.

Part of the reason I think I’ve never landed a female mentor, is the roles get reversed.  Probably because I do have this “alpha dog” male mentality, I often become the rock, the ear for listening, and the person giving advice.  A lot of people think I’m really wise, which just proves that they really need more sane people in their life.  My advice is terrible, usually.  On a daily basis, I encourage people to quit college, quit their job, leave their spouse, go to Iceland.  A friend who’s married was venting his relationship woes and my advice was that they should do acid together and fuck.  And I was 100% serious (actually, I stand by this advice).  Why does anyone listen to me ever?  I’m an idiot.

I’m not without females to look up to.  Au contraire!  My large Italian/Irish family has no lack of smart, super sarcastic, and loving women.  But no matter how great they are, they can never really empathize with what a comedian goes through, because being a comic means being swept up in a world of insanity, where you are also insane, and this vacillates from being a fun roller coaster ride, to being absolutely terrifying.  But mentorship relationships are weirder than most other relationships.  Like anything else, they can’t be forced.  And in this turbulent world we live in, I’m grateful to have anyone who can empathize, and be there for me, when my brain is being completely illogical.  I don’t really care if that person is male or female.  In a career that can bring you to such extreme highs, and then derail you so quickly down the rabbit hole of your own psychotic low, it is so important to have people you both respect and look up to to cheer you on.

I guess, one day, people will look up to me, which I think is a pretty bad idea.

This is a great quote from Kavita Ramdas; “We need women who are so strong they can be gentle, so educated they can be humble, so fierce they can be compassionate, so passionate they can be rational, and so disciplined they can be free.”

Is that person me?  Oh my god, no.  I’m strong, educated, fierce, passionate, and disciplined, but I’m not those other things.  I’m especially not compassionate, rational, or free.  I’m a full blown head case, passionate enough to pursue an impossible career, and irrational enough to believe it might actually work.  And to any one who might look up to me now, or in the future, I apologize in advance for letting you down.

Then again, apologizing for no reason seems to be a female quality.