How To Be Poor

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• May 8, 2016

But if you are poor, or about to be, let this be a guide for you.  Glad to help.  As long as it doesn’t cost me money.

1. Pursue Your Dreams Of An Art Form

If you want to be poor, pursuing your dreams is a fast ticket to poverty, unless your dreams are to make a lot of money like a soulless sheep brainwashed by the society.  There’s a reason for the term “starving artist.”  There’s little money to be made as an artist, be it a painter, a comic, a musician…  Also, there’s a shit ton of money to be made.  But you’re either very rich, or very poor (most likely poor), the middle class amongst artists is almost non-existent (and soon to be non-existent in America! LOL!) and there’s really no guarantee you’ll ever make money, let alone be rich.  Pursuing an art is a lot of hard work, and investing money in yourself, so not only are you not making money, but your spending money you don’t have to create your projects (shameless plug for AKA DEATH, my pilot premiere and comedy show, May 15th, 7pm, tix: Buy Now).  Being a hopelessly passionate cartoonist, writer, or guitar player, is likely the path to crying every time you open your bank app, but it has it’s rewards.  Those rewards aren’t money though.

2. Be Hungry.  You Won’t Die.  I Promise.

It’s okay to be hungry.  People tend to freak out when they’re hungry, like we’re all living in a less funny Snickers commercial.  But I’m here to tell you, allow yourself to be hungry.  Go to bed hungry every once in a while, and eat a good breakfast in the morning.  If you’re poor, and living in New York, learning to just be hungry is huge.  Because eating out is expensive.  So I generally carry around granola bars like a soccer mom, and when I’m hungry, I snack, just enough to hold me over until I can make it home, and each a nutritious meal (popcorn).  Also, I’m kind of a pain in the ass because I mostly eat super healthy which is hard when you’re poor.  There are so many more unhealthy food options for a couple bucks, but I don’t recommend the fast food life.  Also, consider, if you eat like shit, you’re more likely to have health issues, and you definitely can’t afford that.  When hunger strikes, drink a lot of water.  The hungry feeling will go away and you will feel fine.  But the next stage is dizziness, and you don’t want to get THAT hungry (granola bars, guys).  This being said, I do actually eat a lot.*  Ask anyone who has taken me out to dinner.  The nickname for my family is the “Palmin-eaters” because we’ve been known to eat such ridiculous portions, though we’re all relatively small people.

*When I was a teenager, my gynecologist accused me of being anorexic.  This is because in my teens I was freakishly small, and having hit puberty very late, I looked like a child, and would only get periods sporadically.  Despite being barely 100lbs, back then, I used to eat pizza every day, bacon every day, cookies every day, ice cream every day, and my cholesterol was near 300, but I couldn’t gain a pound.  I don’t have that problem now.  Well, I still have the cholesterol problem, but I can’t eat shit tons of junk food and not gain weight.  It was fun while it lasted.

3.  Be A Cute Petite Girl

Well, this is not one you have any control over, but it does help.  When I wake in the morning, one of my first thoughts is, “how can I get free meals today?”  This is partially because I went to bed hungry, so I’m thinking about eating.  I always eat breakfast, then I eat fruits and/or granola bars, and I get a lot of free meals at comedy clubs, so I virtually live off that (and popcorn).  Comedy is like an abuser, because a lot of times you’re not paid, but if I receive a good meal, I’m pretty appreciative because I’m hungry.  The advantage of being a cute girl, who is borderline starving, is people are usually willing to buy me some food.  It’s almost like I’m a homeless person who doesn’t smell bad… no one wants to give me money because they don’t trust I won’t spend it on booze or drugs, but they’ll buy me a meal from a diner.  And I am appreciative of this.  Because then I have more money to spend on booze and drugs.  Truth is, I’m not looking for handouts.  Since I was 15, I’ve always had more than two jobs.  My parents, if nothing else, taught me to work hard and fend for myself and that I’m entitled to nothing.  I have three jobs now, and over 80% of my money goes towards rent.  I don’t want your charity.  Unless its a meal.  I’ll take you up on a meal.

4. Book Trips You Can’t Afford

If you’re always broke, and want to ensure that you stay that way, make sure you travel a lot.  The poorest people I know also travel more than anyone I know.  I guess this is because they don’t have real jobs so it’s easy to take off.  And they’ll save enough money to go on trips, but only to go on trips.  When I get a small surplus of money, I’m always looking to go somewhere.  Or even if I don’t have a surplus, and I’m just drunk and think booking a flight is a great idea.  Next month I’m going to Iceland.  I can’t afford this trip.  I booked it last year, and I’m putting myself in a little hole, but that’s okay.  Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live your life a little.  Also, my poor friends who travel a lot are the happiest people I know.  So there’s that.

5. Have Some Sort Of Un-diagnosed Mental Disorder That Keeps You From Being Normal

I feel like this is pretty self explanatory.  If you’re a crazy person, it’s hard to hold onto regular jobs.  Crazy people tend to be self destructive.  I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life so far.  I’ve hated every one.  My bosses have always loved me.  I’ve been offered promotions at almost every job I’ve ever had, and then I quit.  Why?  Because I just can’t take it.  The only job I’ve ever had that I love is comedy, and I hope it leads to a writing job where I can feel fulfilled at, but up to this point, I’ve had shitty jobs, and after a year or two, I fantasize about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger.  I’m a pretty smart human, and probably could be successful in a number of careers if working a mundane nine to five didn’t make me suicidal.  So… I’ll choose poverty over my brains splattered over a bathroom wall.

6. Pay People Back

This is important.  When people lend you money, make sure you pay them back.  This not only ensures that you stay poor, but that people will lend you money in the future.  I hate owing people money, and I almost always owe more than one person money.  However, the reason I can get people to lend me money is I ALWAYS pay them back.  Parents, cousins, friends… they’ve all written me checks in times of need, keeping me from interest loans and credit card debt.  If I didn’t have to pay anyone back right now, I’d be in decent shape financially, but I must make like a Lannister and kill people.  No wait, I meant, “a Lannister always pays his debts.”  It’s more about principle than money.  I like to be a person who is true to their word.  But the people I owe money to would probably say it’s more about them getting their money back than my word.

7. Have Friends That Hook You Up With Drugs (Both Recreational and Medicinal)

Another big one.  You’re broke, if you don’t have an addiction, you can choose from a myriad of substances.  You’re so broke, you probably have constant anxiety, so you might want to be friends with people who will hook up with Xanex.  That anxiety of almost being homeless can be so overwhelming, you lose your appetite, in which case, you might want a buddy who can hook you up with weed, which always helps you want to eat without the feeling of throwing up.  More importantly, you may also need antibiotics.  Sure, you have free healthcare, but let’s face it, Medicaid is a disaster, and the earliest I can ever see a doctor is in three weeks which is shit if I’m sick today.  But if someone can hook you up with some meds to kill strep throat, that is a major plus.  If anyone is reading this, and you can hook me up, please send me a message.*

*I’m totally kidding.**
**I’m totally not kidding, unless you’re a cop or my parents.  Then, I’m kidding.  I’m a comedian, remember?

8. Very Rarely Date

Dating is expensive.  Yes, even for me.  I’m not about getting my tab picked up on a date.  I throw in.  I work hard for my money, and I hope you do to, and don’t expect someone to drop a bunch of money on me because they want to see my boobs.  You get this round, I’ll get the next.  Luckily, I have terrible anxiety, and dread dating, and work a lot, and like to spend free time alone writing, so I rarely have time to spend money meeting people.

9. Be Young & Ambitious

If you’re young and poor, that seems to be totally acceptable.  I’m broke, have some credit card debt, and a car loan (I’ve paid off my student loans, because I went to cheap schools, because I had incredible foresight that would be broke as fuck).  Most of my clothes and my shoes have holes in them.  I can’t afford cable or orange juice or brand name paper towels.  But I live alone, and pay my rent on time, and almost always miraculously land on my feet (not miraculously, see above reasons).  People think I’m doing okay.  I see myself as a failure, but a lot people (including my family, friends, and other comics) say I’m doing just fine.  This is because I’m 26 (I will be 27 in a week though).  If I was 37, my lifestyle would be rather pathetic, but I get a pass for being young.  I’m at least a little bit of a fuck up, but I do have some ridiculous ambitions.  I want to be a screenwriter, so I write and produce screenplays (which costs money and keeps me poor).  I write a lot.  I work a lot.  I may be holding onto a fraying thread of hope, but people think there’s still hope for me.  My poverty is now, not forever.  That’s how people see broke, hard working  young folks like myself.  Are they right?  I have no idea.  I have no idea if I’m going to be successful.  All I really know is I’m kind of hungry.

10. You’re Broke In America, Which Is Alright

And lastly, be thankful you’re broke in America.  Because, compared to the rest of the world, your life is still pretty dope.  Yes, I live month to month, and once considered robbing a fountain in Central Park for the amount of quarters teasing me in the glistening sunlight… But I’m never actually starving.  I have a $1300 lap top, and an iPad, and an iPhone.  I still travel to cool places.  I’m still living in New York, in a tiny studio apartment, but it’s MY apartment.  I’m still in the comedy world, which is my dream.  When I’m not fretting about finances, it’s pretty plain to see I have a good life.  Money doesn’t buy happiness, it’s true.  But it could buy therapy, and I think we’re all in agreement that I could use some therapy.