I’m Having Sex With Everyone, Except You (This Title Is Not True And Mostly Click Bait)

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• October 15, 2024

What a ridiculous blog title that is WAY too long. A writer’s trick (or maybe editor’s trick?) is to keep titles short. People are more likely to read short titles. A publisher told me this once and I’ve since believed it to be true, though I’ve done no research on the matter.

But you know what sells better than a short title? SEX! Unless the title is sex, which I guess is an all around winner. Anyway, while this blog will contain sexual content and may not be suitable for certain readers (family members, assuming there are no children reading my blog), it will probably be wildly disappointing to anyone who is hoping for a steamy fifty shades of cumulus clouds.

For the entire time I’ve been a comedian, people have always assume, asked or even accused me of sleeping with WHOMEVER I was so much as standing next to, let alone simply friends with or touring with. Even someone I was once friends with said he assumed I (or any female comic) was sleeping with anyone I opened for, not suggesting that I was slutty but that all men are slutty and that they would ONLY keep me around if we were fucking. Often (if not usually), when entering a comedy club people think I’m a male comic’s girlfriend and not a comedian myself. Many times I would be friends with the dude I was presumed sleeping with and would say something like, “ew, sleep with him?”

I have fraternized with exactly five comedians (which I consider a pretty low number, actually). For many years, I had a hard fast rule about fooling around with comics, but it is kind of inevitable when you’re single for such a long time and the top thing you’re attracted to is humor. No, I won’t tell you who, so don’t ask. And probably it’s not who you think!

When I was in my 20s, I did not want to harness any female sexuality to “advance” my career. And by that, I don’t mean sleeping with people, I really mean using thirst traps on the internet to bolster my following. (Fun fact: one of the head writers/Weekend Update hosts tried to sleep with me once and I TURNED HIM DOWN (most of my friends told me I’m an idiot) but he soon later dated and then married Scarlett Johansson so I think ultimately he did way better than me). I graduated college with a perfect GPA in TV writing and I was really bent on being known for my brains despite that fact I have delightful, if not impeccable, boobs. I am a writer! I write screenplays! Take me seriously!

This turned out to be one of the dumbest mistakes of my young life. I’m still pretty hot (by societies standards, not mine!), but I’m 35 and the ship is sinking. I do not begrudge the female comics who leaned into their sexiness and are now far more successful than me, with lucrative podcasts and social media followings that allows them to headline the country. If I could send a message to my younger self it would be to show off my body more. You’re in SHOW business, dummy, show off. For fucks sake.

While we’re on the topic of my boobs, I should remind you that I was an extremely late bloomer. I started comedy at 20 and looked more like I was 15. I was still going through puberty (unheard of). I grew 4 inches in my 20s, and my boobs would go from an A cup to a C cup practically overnight sometime in my 23rd year. My boobs went through such a drastic (natural) change late in my life, comics I were friends with that did open mics with me who knew me as an androgynous tomboy were like, “did you get boobs.” I shrugged. I have boobs now. Thank Jesus?

I have another weird late blooming story that sort of indirectly involves Jim Norton. Jim and I are now good friends, and I’ve never actually told him this story despite hours of being in a car together on the road and often oversharing other parts of my life.

Because of my extremely slow growing body, I didn’t get my period till I was almost 17. Around this time, my vagina then changed too, and one of my labias became slightly bigger than the other one. Making my vagina not perfectly symmetrical (which none are, I did not know this at the time). Anyway, I didn’t really know anything about pussy’s at this time in my life, and though I was smart, I was sexually naive and not sexually active (I wouldn’t have sex till I was 20). For whatever reason, I deemed my vagina totally hideous and feared that no man would ever want to have sex with me once he saw me naked. Yes. I realize how utterly ridiculous this is now and I laugh about it to myself knowing that any man (and some woman) salivate at the sight of me even a little naked.

How does this involved Jim Norton? No, Jim has never been a creep to me, always a gentleman. I was watching one of his comedy specials on Comedy Central. I was obsessed with comedy and watched a lot of stand up (with no plans of becoming a stand up myself at this time). I don’t know exactly what special it was but he jokes about how hot not symmetrical pussies are (that’s not how the joke goes but that’s the message, I guess). Suddenly, I was like, well maybe this guy is onto something. I don’t see why he would lie? In addition, I thought the special was very funny and probably got most of my “truths” from exaggerated comedy. So, Jim Norton (sort of) gave me confidence to be confident in my body. Which is so crazy, I know. And even more hilarious that I’m now friends with him and his wife and we all hang out. And we laugh and laugh and laugh together at all things.

Even though I had sex at 20, I was really painfully shy when it came to dating or being vulnerable, and I rarely had orgasms until my mid 20s. Some of this is the fault of the men I was with. But it was probably more my fault than theirs in the sense that I didn’t know how to communicate what I liked (because I didn’t really know) and also because I’m “so fucking hot” (their words, not mine) they often came quickly leaving my satisfaction void. Another problem was my stupid brain. Getting my brain to shut the fuck up is a real problem. There was a point in my life I thought there was something physically wrong with me. I was enjoying sex but not climaxing. Why? It turns out I’m just crazy there was nothing wrong with my body and just my brain. Yay? So I had to go to therapy and try different meds. It’s really no mystery why no relationships ever panned out in my 20s when you realize what a head case I was. Poor young Lori… sexually frustrated and overthinking nonsense and also not thinking she had a golden pussy. DEEP SIGH.

Though, my worst and most heartbreaking break up in my later 20s did thrust me into an experimental phase, not with other people, but with sex toys (and sometimes drugs), where I really learned a lot about myself. Also, this was the time I fooled around with women and found women to be far more attentive lovers. Then, I also starting dating couples as the unicorn and that was also an experience. Things got weird. But not in a bad way.

I’ve done a pretty extensive poll with men (I’ve asked everyone beyond my lovers to friends to comedians to random people on the internet to people who attend sex parties to doctors and everyone in-between… I’m a scientist!) about whether or not they like to go down on women (most don’t, and it’s obvious, they are not good at it). I got answers everywhere from 10% to 80%. Which is crazy. It just goes to show you that guys really don’t talk about this stuff with each other and they’re usually too afraid to talk about this stuff with women which is why there’s SO MUCH disconnect with men and women in bed. I have come to the conclusive answer that it’s around 20% of men (which is higher than the amount of women who like going down on men). I speak for myself but also on behalf of the majority of women… size does matter, but if you love cunnilingus and are good at it that is far more valuable to us. Men are more obsessed with their penis’s than women are.

Speaking of size. Bigger isn’t necessarily better (though no one likes a small dick, that’s true, I’m sorry). I am a very petite girl. I have dated two guys that were so endowed (yes, one of them was black), sex was problematic for us. It was, in short (though IT wasn’t short), not good for me. If you are reading this and have a very large penis, I cannot stress to you enough how very important foreplay is.

Americans are seen as prudes to most of Europe. I, personally, have been accused of being prude while in Europe. Though I would not consider myself a prude nor a slut, I’m neither celibate nor having sex with every one (except you, yeah you know who you are!). Usually, when traveling, I’m hesitant to go home with anyone because I frequently travel alone so I’m too afraid I’ll get kidnapped overseas or something, which is why I’m perpetuating the “American Prude” abroad. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had sex outside of this country (note to self: need to change this). We are a country, though, founded by Puritan people terrified of even talking about sex. It’s psychotic to me that so many adults still find the topic taboo.

Besides being kind of a weird artist, I also consider myself a nerd who is really into science. And sex itself (excluding being in love) is more science than art. Kind of the more fun part of science. I think it’s prudent to have open conversations about all things kink and bedroom. Sure, there’s a time and place for these conversations, but they should never be off the table. Just like sex on a table should not be off the table, unless it’s somebody else’s table and they’re going to have dinner on it afterwards. Boundaries are good.

And as far as what other people think about your sexuality or sex life? The most honest answer? Who gives a shit. If anyone who is not romantically involved with you spends more than a minute thinking about your sexuality or sex life, they are weirdly obsessed with you. It’s very much a them problem. I gave up on caring about any rumors or accusations of who I am or am not hooking up with years ago because it’s a toxic high school mentality, I am beyond this. You can’t make other people evolve. Just be yourself. Have fun, but also don’t be gross and use precautions and get tested and stuff. You just might live long enough where you can’t really even have sex anymore. So, enjoy yourselves. Respectfully.