Kill! Fuck! Marry! Game of Thrones Edition

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• June 12, 2016

Kill – Daenerys Targaryen

“I am a Khaleesi of the Dothraki! I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me! The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands. “

That’s right, I just killed off one of your favorite characters.  If I were a writer for the show, she would be eaten by one of her dragons long ago.  No character is more annoying than the Khaleesi, always listing her credits.  Also, she’s the worst actress on the show.  Every time she speaks, I yawn.  I would slay the Dragon Queen.

Fuck –  Petyr Baelish

“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail, and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but refuse. They cling to the realm, or love, or the gods…illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is. But they’ll never know this. Not until it’s too late.”

I want to fuck the shit out of one the worst humans in Game of Thrones.  I’ve always been attracted to villains, as they’re the ones who keep any good story interesting.  Petyr is super slimy, and smart.  Plus, he’s the owner of brothels, so he is probably into some kinky stuff.  It’s all together possible I just really love the actor, The Wire‘s Aidan Gillen.  Littlefinger keeps it interesting, even if interesting is evil… I like that.

Marry – Tyrion Lannister

“It’s not easy being drunk all the time. Every one would do it if it were easy.”

I married the midget (yeah, I know that’s not politically correct, but I can say it since I’m hypothetically married to one in the game of “kill, fuck, marry”). Tyrion is the best character on the show. His family is despicable, but he also hates his family.  Mostly, Tyrion is a smart ass, and not so surprisingly, I’m attracted to smart asses.  If I’m going to marry, it needs to be someone with a strong appreciation for sarcasm, otherwise it will never work.

Kill – Ramsay Bolton

“Jealousy bores me. You remember what happens to people who bore me.”

This diabolical psychopath is the most obvious person to kill.  Holy shit, he is an asshole.  His death is going to be sweet, and I hope it’s slow and torturous.  Ramsay is the worst.  He’s got to go.

Fuck – Brienne of Tarth

“I’m no lady.”

My woman crush goes to Brienne of Tarth!  Brienne is probably the most honorable person on the show, and certain the most selfless, which is why she would be a fun person to hook up with.  If her dedication to orgasms is as strong as her dedication to protect, you can pretty much guarantee it’s going to be a fun night.  I’ll get weird with Brienne.

Marry – Robb Stark

“I once asked my father, how can a man be brave if he is afraid? That’s the only time he can be brave, he said.”

Robb Stark is the only deceased (for now) character on my list.  First of all, he’s a Stark, and the Stark’s are the badass good guys.  Second, that would make be Arya’s sister in law, and Arya is such a great character.  But mostly, those blue eyes, that smile, and that hair.  Oh Robb Stark, you were taken from us too soon, you beautiful man.

Kill – High Sparrow

“Every one of us is poor and powerless. And yet together… we can overthrow an empire.”

This guy doesn’t even have an actual name?  I fucking hate this guy.  And this kill spot should belong to Cersei Lannister, that raging lunatic.  But no, the High Sparrow actually has me rooting for that crazy bitch.  His evil is disguised in religion, the worst kind of evil!  Please, Cercei, off with his head!  Off with his head!

Fuck – Tormund Giantsbane

“Plenty of little men tried to put their swords through my heart. And there’s plenty of little skeletons buried in the woods.”

Gingers and beards aren’t exactly my thing, but Tormand is just so likable.  Sure, he’s a maniac, but I’m into that.  He has crazy eyes, but every one knows, the crazier the better in bed.  Cave sex with a wildling is hot.  The Free Folk seem sorely misunderstood, plus, they’re the Free Folk, so they stay out of the bullshit of the seven kingdoms, and it’s a good idea, since it’s a lot of bullshit.

Marry – Faceless Man/Jagen H’ghar

“All men must serve. Faceless Men most of all.”
The Faceless Men are a cult of mystic assassins that worship the Many-Faced God, Death. They believe that death is a merciful end to suffering.  Oddly enough, that’s what I believe!  What could be better than being an assassin, and being married to an assassin, where you both have the ability to change into other people?  The sex would never get boring.  The worst part about being married (only being with one person) is irrelevant if we’re faceless people.  And we get to kill people.  This is a match made in heaven.  Also, I dig the whole WASPy Jesus look he has going on above.