Lori Palminteri’s Anti-Self Help Guide

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• February 7, 2016

If your life is as great as you pretend it is on social media, maybe you want to take it down a few notches?  Maybe, you look yourself in the mirror and say, “wow, I lead a fulfilled life, and I would like to suffer for the sake of suffering.”  When it comes to worrying, don’t worry, I’ll help.  Below is my guide to help yourself worsen yourself…

LORI PALMINTERI’S ANTI-SELF HELP GUIDE

1.  Always Remember You Are Going To Die

Every morning you wake up, and throughout the day, think about how you’re going to die.  And how you never really did anything meaningful with your life.  And how life is meaningless.  Let the fear of death consume all your thoughts, all the time.  You do this enough, and it because less scary and more comforting.  Because as life goes on, you start to realize there so many things in life worse than death.

2.  Don’t Talk About Your Dark Feelings

Ever.  Never talk about them.  Repress that shit deep.  No one wants to hear your whining.  Let’s face it, you’ve had a pretty good life.  Children are dying right now in less fortunate countries.  The fact that you have depression with your privileged life while children die in other countries should make you hate yourself.  Hate is more powerful than love.  Remember this always.

3.  Drink A Lot

Like all the time.  Whenever you can.  Drinking numbs whatever pain or discomfort you may be feeling.  Use this as a medicine.  A medicine you literally cannot get enough of.  Have to go to work?  Put something in your coffee!  Have to go to a family party?  You’re definitely going to want to drink hard.  Home alone?  Crack open that bottle of wine and tell yourself you’ll only have one or two glasses, and then drink the entire thing.

4. Watch & Read Lots Of Depressing Stuff

Home alone, netflixing?  While you’re drinking, make sure you watch a downer.  Try anything by Lars Von Trier.  Or a depressing documentary (pretty much all documentaries are depressing, a bit superfluous to even use that word here).  Read a sad book about people who lose love and die.  Or just read the news.  That’s bound to get you feeling shitty.  The reality is the world is an awful place.  You want to be reminded of this constantly.

5. Don’t Even Bother With Sleep

You might as well stay up as late as you want, since good sleep rarely comes anyway.  It’s 2AM, and you finally feel relaxed?  Enjoy it.  In fact, stop relaxing, and edit that script you were working on.  You don’t need sleep.  You need to work harder.  Sleep is for the weak.  Limit that shit.  What?  You’re cranky, and having audible hallucinations?  That’s fine.  It’s normal.  In fact, it’s a good sign.  It means you’re really sleep deprived and you’re probably getting a whole lot of shit done and definitely not going to have a major mental breakdown.

6. Ignore The Feelings Towards Your Crush

That guy/girl you’ve had romantic feelings for for the better part of a year?  Well, do not act on that.  He/she is definitely too good for you.  It’s hilarious you even think they would like you.  You’ve acted like an idiot around them.  Go on with your life, date other guys/girls you’re not as interested in, which will never develop into anything real, because you’re fixed on that crush of yours.  Keep in mind, if they were into you, you probably wouldn’t be interested.  Your heart is an idiot.  Don’t listen to it.

7.  Compare Yourself To People More Successful Than You

On a daily basis, compare yourself to people who are doing better than you.  Set your bar high.  There are so many people more talented and intelligent than yourself.  Compare yourself to the best, prodigies even.  And make sure you compare yourself to them in their peak, after they’ve worked tirelessly on their crafts for many years.  You are clearly not as great as your parents said you were.  And now you’re going to disappoint them too.  Think about that.  A lot.

8.  Don’t Call People You Miss

Thinking about an Aunt/Uncle you haven’t spoken to?  Or maybe you’ve had kind of a rough day, and just want to talk to your best friend who doesn’t live in state anymore.  Don’t call them.  They don’t think about you, and your call would probably be a nuisance any way.  Just because you’ve known them your whole life, and when you see them once a year, it’s a lot of laughs, doesn’t mean they miss you too.  And who calls people on the phone anyway?  Fucking weirdos.

9.  Play It Safe

Hate your job?  I mean, you literally want to kill yourself every morning just thinking of going there?  Tough.  Sometimes, life doesn’t give you choices.  You just have to take what is.  Think of the dying kids.  Don’t take risks at your dream.  That’s crazy!  The failure rate is so high!  You think you will beat those odds?  Remember you’re going to die.

10.  That Probably Is Cancer

Found a suspicious bump on your body?  It’s finally happening.  You are dead.  This is probably syphilis (not from sex, from sitting on a public toilet seat… which is so much worse) or cancer.  There’s no possible way it’s a slightly irritated mosquito bite, even though you do have a history of your mosquito bites swelling.  You’re definitely dying.  The fact that you’re overtired has nothing to do with this thinking.  These are rational thoughts.  Thoughts about death are always rational.

11.  You Are Going To Be Homeless

You are terribly broke.  It’s only a matter of time before you’re living out of your car.  Once you’ve hit that level, it’s too late.  You’ll spiral out of control, and before you know it you will be living on the streets.  Will people offer a couch or a spare bedroom for you to stay until you can get your shit together?  Of course.  But do you really want to admit to the humiliation of being a failure?  And rely on others?  Ugh.  Be homeless and maintain your dignity.

12. Self Medicate/You Don’t Need Therapy

Sometimes, you drive in the right lane, in case you have a panic attack and need to pull over.  Sometimes, the anxiety is so bad you can’t even eat because your stomach cramps hurt so bad.  Sometimes, you continuously count things, like how many steps you take, or claps when applauding.  And you can’t stop counting.  You don’t need therapy.  Therapy is for the weak.  You’re fine. Just get your hands on some substances, and play with them.  Only you know your body.  You got this.  A psychiatrist will want to put you on a daily pill that will control your thoughts and turn you into a humanoid.  You can’t have that.  You’re going to die, and you need to have some control over whatever happens before you die.  Don’t let people in your head, they might think you’re crazy.  Just treat yourself with booze, and downers, and uppers.  Stay home, watch a documentary about serial killers.  No point in sleeping, you’ll just have nightmares.  Don’t go out.  Talking to people?  Wow, that sounds awful.  Isolate yourself.  That ringing in your ear is probably a tumor.  But don’t call anyone about it.  Call in sick tomorrow.  Stay home.  What’s the point of working?  You’ll just be homeless soon anyway.