Lori’s Guide to Online Dating

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• March 30, 2014

Yup.  I caved.  I joined the world of online dating.  As per my recent move to New York City (and my more recent move to Queens), I realized that all my friends in the city were comics.  I love comics.  90% of the time, all I want to do is hang out with comics.  But there is that 10% where I need to hang out with “normals.”

I have been single for a long time.  When I am in a relationship, it’s short-lived, because I may or may not have commitment issues, but I’m not going to commit to answering that in this blog post.

Truthfully, I joined the online dating world for a good story and/or bit.  I went in with no expectations of meeting someone I liked.  I am an introverted, anti-social nerd, and virtually all social situations make me uncomfortable.  When I became a comic, I started living by this motto, “what would Lori not do,” and then I would do just that.  If I knew a situation would be painfully awkward for me, I would do it.  WWLND.

Online dating falls into this category.  Something that completely weirds me out, and I’d be much happier sitting at home writing in my notebook in a dark room, chewing sunflower seeds than meet a date at a bar for a drink.  That’s just who I am.

I joined Plenty of Fish, because it was free, and I happen to really like aquatic life.  I would later learn that this is the worst dating site to join, but I didn’t know that at the time.  I would not suggest this site.  You have to assume that every person on POF is a serial killer.  I got a message from a porn director seeing I’d be interested in being in his films.  I got a message from a guy who told me if I married him, I wouldn’t have to work, and we’d spend half our time in his second house in Key West.  I seven messages from the same dude that just said, “meow.”  Sometimes, you get the “stock” message from a dude saying “It’s hard finding the right person on this site, but I can tell from your profile that you’re smart and down to earth.”

Really?  You can tell that from my profile that just says, “I think horoscopes are bullshit.”  Great.  If I was sent a message with improper grammar, I’d correct it (they’d never answer back).  Often, if I was interested in someone, I  would send this message:

“What is your name?

What is your quest?

What is your favorite color?”

No one ever answered me back.  This is actually a quote from one of my all time favorite movies, Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  If someone answered as Sir Lancelot of Camelot did, that would be the person for me.

I was advised to abandon plenty of fish and join Tinder.  I first did not want to, because of the shallowness of it.  And then I realized something, I’m pretty shallow.  When I’m out, or on the subway, I smile at cute guys.  So, is this so much different?  Again, WWLND.  Fuck it, I joined tinder.

Now, you have to assume that everyone on Tinder is a rapist.  I’m not saying they are, you just have to assume this to be safe.  Tinder, if nothing else, is a lot of fun.  It’s like you’re God, and you have a silver platter full of men you can say yes to or make disappear forever.  Your first transaction is via texting.  This is an anti-social persons dream dating app.

The irony of my cynicism towards online dating is I actually met someone really cool from it.  The second person I went out with via online dating was smart, had a good sense of humor, amazing eyes, and a killer smile.  I know, I know, just my luck.  Here I am trying to date psychos and I meet a good one.  I know, I know, only I would complain about meeting a well-rounded person who’s also ridiculously handsome.

My advice:  If you’re single (especially if you’re single and busy), join Tinder or something (just not POF).  Worst case scenario, you have a story to laugh about after (or you end up dead in someone’s trunk (always meet publically)).  Best case scenario, you meet someone you like that you wouldn’t have otherwise.

Most of the time, I just want to yell at people for how fucking stupid their profiles are.  So here’s some tips for profile (mostly, what not to do).  This is for men, but it applies to women also.

10 PROFILE TIPS

1. Have a picture of you.  If you don’t have a picture of you, I assume you are the Gilgo Beach serial killer.  Also, there should be more than one picture of you.
2. Your picture should be just you.  Not a group of guys, where I have to guess who you are.  It’s okay if this is like your third or fourth picture, but if your main picture is you with your bros, you are getting a swipe left.
3. Who is this girl you’re cuddling with?  I can’t tell you how many profile pictures are a guy with his arm around a cute girl.  This screams creepy and crazy.  Maybe it’s your sister, but we don’t know that.   Stop it.
4. Put your shirt on.  Seriously.  Listen, I love a guy that works out and is in shape, but if you’re posing in the mirror taking a selfie admiring your own abs, you look like a huge dueche bag.
5. Stop posing on cars.  I love cars.  I am super into cars, I love driving fast, and if I had a Porsche, I’d probably be dead already from being an idiot behind the wheel.  But you look juvenile posing on your car.  If you have a great ride, let it be a surprise when you go out.  The best thing about you shouldn’t be your car.
6. No bathroom selfies.  I’m not saying you can’t use a selfie.  But I cannot stand a bathroom mirror selfie.  Get someone to take a picture of you, for the love of God.  Do you not have a friend that can assist you in taking a good picture for your online dating profile?
7. No gang signs.  Just no.
8. If you’re trying to say “I’m a fun guy” by having a picture of you smoking a bong/joint/blunt or chugging beer/bottle of liquor or playing beer pong, you are only conveying that you are immature and might have substance abuse problems.  Don’t get me wrong, I participate in all those things I’ve just mentioned, and I’m not judging you if you do those things.  But I am judging your dating profile, because that’s what it’s there for.  For me to judge you.
9. Write something in your profile.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but you should put some words about yourself.  Especially for something like Tinder, where if we’re matched, and I want to send you a message, it’s easiest to write you something based on your profile.  And I know it’s asking a lot, but try to be original.  I don’t give a fuck if you like long walks on the beach, dogs, and traveling.  Be more interesting.
10. Don’t write, “No crazies please.”  Let’s face it.  We’re doing the online dating so we’re all fucking crazy.  Writing that says more about you than you want it to (and not in a good way).  There’s crazy in a good way, and crazy in a bad way.  I’m a bit of both.  And I’d take a crazy over a boring, normal