Okay, So I’m The Asshole

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• March 10, 2023

It had been months since I’d even been on a date proper. Let’s see, my last relationship crashed and burned in November when my psychotic ex pretended to be dying. That one cut deep. Though I licked my wounds and now my biggest regret about that relationship is because I still dating him when I went to Paris alone— I didn’t have a Paris romance because I really liked that guy and if I really like someone I just don’t have eyes for others. Man, what a waste. I could have had a French lover in the city of love. Let that be a lesson to you. The lesson being… when you go to other countries get laid because when you come home your boyfriend might pretend he’s dying and break up with you.

Anyway. People assume if you’re an attractive girl, dating apps are so easy. They’re not. Did I not just mention my last boyfriend (who I met on Hinge) pretended to be dying? Yes, I have more options… but that also means lots more horrible options and crazy people. Just because more people desire you, doesn’t mean more people actually care about you. In fact, I’d argue the opposite is true. That when people see you as a flower instead of a person, they are far more interested in their pleasure.

While I tend to be picky on those things, for months I failed to get someone to meet up with me. Granted, I turned down my share. But more than not, when you try to meet in person, that person just falls off.

Usually, when I’m ‘swiping’ it’s late at night when I can’t sleep (most nights). Sometimes (often) I just message people ridiculous answers that make me laugh but is probably (definitely) why I don’t get responses because I don’t take this or most things seriously.

I match with a dude I’ll call B. B and I match, and I think the reason I said yes is because one of my pictures on my profile is of me in my super dope Scarlett Witch costume from Halloween which is equal parts badass and sexy and he had a clever response to it.

We start chatting on the app and he’s really chatty. I’m bored so I’ll bite. We’re both clear nerds. I don’t even remember how the conversation got to this point, but he said, “pick a Broadway  show and we’ll go tomorrow.”

“Haha. What?”

“Whatever show you wanna see. I’ll buy tix. No expectations or anything and we’ll see the show.”

Of course I think this is total bullshit. The internet is full of liars and cowards. Naturally, in half a dare, I go, “sure. I wanna see Sweeney Todd.” I’ve never seen ‘Sweeney Todd” but it is one of my favorites because it’s supremely fucked up.

Moments later, he tells me he got tickets. Box seats because he likes more leg room. He asks if I have one of those ticket apps to send me the tickets which I decline. We decide to meet beforehand for a couple drinks and some food. I’m still not fully convinced that this is happening but I also figure it’s safe. Broadway is in the heart of Times Square. There’s only a million people around.

Ah, fuck it.

The following day, we meet. Though younger than me, his pictures were somewhat deceptive (this is always a bad call, everyone. Don’t dupe people with pictures of when you were younger or skinnier or that has a lot of filters). Pretty quickly, it was obvious that while this guy was overly excited he landed a date, frighteningly clingy (he was already planning a vacation for us in the Fall having known me for less than an hour) he was actually a good person. And I knew immediately this was not going to go anywhere further than this Broadway outing.

I don’t want to write any further as to the reasons I would not date this guy, because I do believe he is a good person, and I don’t want to be an asshole anymore than I am. Poor guy spent probably $500 total on tickets and didn’t even get a peck on the cheek. Well, that will teach him to never buy Broadway tickets for someone he never met.

“Sweeney Todd” starring Josh Grobin as Todd was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Delightfully dark, weirdly funny, gory and with songs that you’ll be singing for days with a mind blowing production value. Though Annaleigh Ashford who played Ms. Lovitt stole the show. She was amazing.

For those of you unfamiliar… the story of Todd goes as follows. He was a Barber living in London with his wife and baby daughter, Joanna. A powerful judge desired his wife because she was beautiful so he has Todd arrested and sent away. The Judge fails to seduce his wife honestly so he rapes her. She then poisons herself with arsenic. The Judge adopts Joanna.

Fifteen years go by and Todd returns to London. He explains his tale of woe to Antony, a young, handsome sailor. When Todd returns to his old home, above Ms. Lovett’s meat pie shop, she tells him what happened to his family. He swears revenge. Meanwhile, Antony falls in love with Joanna and wants to break her free.

Todd’s initial opportunity to kill the Judge is missed. So he and Mr. Lovett crack a plan to start murdering the men of London by slitting their throats and grinding up their bodies for the meat pies that Lovett sells. Ms. Lovett, who provides most of the comedic relief, is hopelessly in love with Todd, to a mere pathetic degree.

There’s a reason I just gave you this synopsis. Not just because it’s a gloriously gory story you should go see. However, it was stark ravingly obvious to me that this guy (who did not know how to read a room) saw himself as the young romantic Antony, and saw me as the beautiful, blond and innocent Joanna, needing saving. I’m not Joanna though. I’m Ms. Lovett, hung up on emotionally unavailable men, hilarious, a scrappy survivor and gothic. So sure, I am the asshole.