PhilaLori Punk (Sideline Reporter)

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• January 19, 2025

Anyone who knows me well, knows, I am a giant fan of Diane Morgan’s satirist documentarian, Philomema Cunk. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor, and go watch on Netflix series, “Cunk on Earth” and now, the new “Cunk on Life.” In character, Morgan plays a supremely bored and ignorant documentarian interviewing real experts, asking them absurd questions. I love the character and the show. She is my spirit human. Morgan also has a hilarious BBC sitcom, “Mandy,” that is a little hard to find here in the states, but if you love dry, dark yet silly humor, like me, you will love that show.

Now, anyone who knows me also knows I love sports. As a spectator, football and hockey are my favorite. Usually, though, I hate sports news, especially sideline interviews. Because they’re so obvious! There’s only like five questions to ask. Most professional sports players aren’t thinkers, I’d say, and you could swap out answers from a hundred years ago, from sport to sport, and it would still make sense, because this is sports, after all.

Personally, I would love it, if a sideline reporter asked insane questions, that are more bizarre than poignant about the game. Which is why I’ve created, for your pleasure…

PhilaLori Punk— Sideline Reporter!

PhilaLori Punk asks the hard questions, harder than a hit from Ronnie Lott. The questions that burn like a UTI. Questions that are so brave, people wonder, why isn’t she on the field? Use your imagination a little here. Picture PhilaLori Punk on the sideline, asking NFL’s most famous players these questions…

“You’ve been hit in the head rather head many times, do you have a spot on your skull that feels like a ripe avocado?”

“All the planets are lining up for the first time in a hundred years, do you think that’s the reason why you missed that field goal that will likely cost you your career?”
 
“If a professional football player smacks his girlfriend and no on else is around does she make a sound?”

“How many years off of your life did that last hit take? Do you think it’s more than the amount of years I’ve taken off my life doing ketamine from years 2021-2023?”

“Do you think you your brain would be healthier if you smoked crack instead?”
 
“What team has the most annoying fans and is it the Eagles?”

“Do you think that if I met Joe Burrow in a sports bar he would have sex with me that night? Do you have his number?”

“Do you think Andy Reid wakes up every morning and listens to The Beatles song, ‘I am the Walrus?’ Do you think walrus’s would be good at coaching other sports?”

“How come no trans men never play in the NFL? Is because female born persons are naturally weaker than male born persons?”

“How come when someone scores a touch down they never do the Macarena?”

“How many quarterbacks picture that moment when they have their hand on the center’s scrotum while they’re having sex with their wives?”

“How much faster do you think Taylor swift runs than Travis Kelce?”

“Hog dogs are one of the most popular game foods. How much cancer is in one hot dog? Is it 6 or or 7?”

“Many footballers thank God when they succeed. Do you think God has more interest in football than, say, the people in California whose houses are burning down?”

“Would you like to give a quick shout out to all the nerds who did your homework for you throughout your years at school?”