Pointless Pitches

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• January 27, 2024

I’m full of really brilliant ideas as I’m a gifted writer who doesn’t just have dreams of seeing my name “written by” float across a movie screen, but screenplays to prove my skill and work. Not convinced? DM for a sample. I love to show off my work. Especially if you want to give me money for it.

Where I have a talent for the written word, I’ve a complete lack of intuition when it comes to pitching my work. I’m so intelligent when I can iron out my thoughts on paper. However, a normal conversation with me can be painful when the combination of my introverted nature and semi-autistic mind make for my head gears to jam.

I have some pitches for movies or TV shows that I have not pitched, not because they aren’t great (they are), but because they belong in an existing universe. Meaning, there would only be one place to pitch the project. For example, if I wanted to write a Star Wars movie, I would have to pitch solely to Disney. And the odds of me (or anyone) getting a pitch to them is like Ahsoka finding Ezra.

I do have a Star Wars pitch, unsurprising to anyone who knows me. Have you seen my Leia bikini pic?

It’s not a Star Wars movie. It’s a show. A sitcom. It’s essentially Cheers meets It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia that takes place in the Star Wars universe. In the various films and TV shows, we have lots of scenes that take place at bars somewhere far away and long ago in the galaxy. In fact, some of the most iconic, memorable and funniest scenes in Star Wars take place in a bar. So why not a show the stars the people in background, serving drinks? With lots of fun cameos. (Should I include another picture of me in the Leia bikini? I should. I should.)

The next pitch would also go to Disney World. And that would be “Muppets in Wonderland.” The Muppets are comedy genius, thank you Jim Henson. Their “Christmas Carol” is my favorite rendition of the story. And they’ve also done the literary classic, “Treasure Island.” “Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll is famous literature, beloved for ages (I even have a “we’re all mad here” tattoo). The story already lends itself to imagination and chaos. An adventure fit for Muppets! Just think, Gonzo is the Mad Hatter, Miss Piggy is the Red Queen, Fozzy Bear is the Cheshire Cat and Kermit is the White Rabbit, but in this case the green frog. I want this movie to not only exist, I want to be the one who pens it.

So, this next one, I actually did pitch to my manager and we reached out to the game manufacturer with no reply. But I still think this a great idea. A little known cult board game called, “Thirteen Dead End Drive” was a favorite of my family and friends. My family were big on board games. We still are. Thirteen Dead End Drive is a Clue-like game, and the game’s description as per boardgamegeek.com is as follows:

“A bluffing game where you try to conceal your identity.
On your turn you move two of the character pawns on the board. Movement is decided by dice.
The board is a 3D house with several traps. If you move a character to a trap space, you may spring the trap if you have the corresponding card in your hand. You can bluff by moving your opponents’ characters towards the entrance or moving your own character onto a trap space, but not release it.
The portrait above the fireplace contains cards for each character plus Aunt Agatha. When you roll doubles, you may change the portrait.
You can win the game in three different ways: 
1) If you can move your own game counter out of the house when it’s the same as the portrait on the wall. 
2) If your game counter is the last surviving. 
3) If your game counter’s portrait is on the wall when the detective enters the main entrance.”

Okay, okay… if that sounds a little confusing, it’s because it’s one of those games you really have to play to get. And it’s loads of fun. A part of me hopes in the wake of the “Barbie” movie success, we’ll get more movies based on toys. Why not? They tantalized our imaginations. Playing this game as a kid, I would practically write a new screenplay every time. Plus, the game already has illustrated colorful characters that would be so much fun to write for. And violent murders! What fun! Someone commission me to write this.

Does Disney own the copyright to “The Princess Bride?” I’m unsure. “The Princess Bride” is one of the greatest movies and screenplays of all time, and I will fight anyone who disagrees with me much like Inigo Montoya fought to avenge his father. While nothing can match the classic film, I want a spin off in the same tone. The spin off? “The Dread Pirate Roberts.” What happened when our dearest Westley was on the pirate ship? I have ideas. But I’ll say no more except that the movie should open with an Aunt reading a story to her nephew and niece.

Batman is my favorite superhero and with the exception of Nolan films, the DC universe seems to be… well… a little lost. I think DC should really focus on Batman villains. I have a fantasy of writing and starring in a journalistic/witty crime series that is about Vikki Vale, a young reporter in Gotham City. Funny and Dark.

And those are my “pointless pitches.” Pretty great, right? You should read my original stuff. 😉