The Price Of Freedom

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• November 3, 2014

November 1st, 2014 is a great day.  Because I’ve gone two months without a panic attack.  That’s the longest I’ve gone without a panic attack in over two years.  So, it’s kind of a big deal to me.

Panic attacks, and sudden anxiety have been plaguing me since the first grade.  It comes and goes in waves.  Like sets of swells, it will be bad for a while, and then I’ll be calm. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll live with this my whole life.  It’s alright.  I’m okay.  Some people have it a lot worse.  I think I’m actually pretty crazy, but I’m also pretty smart.  When my head gets a little choppy, I’m usually smart enough to acknowledge that this has happened before, and I’ll be fine.  I’m logical enough to deal with my own illogicalness, if that makes any sense at all.

THE FEELING IS FLEETING THE FEELING IS FLEETING THE FEELING IS FLEETING 

That’s my mantra.  The feeling is fleeting.  I’ll repeat this to myself.  Often aloud.  When I’m stressed.  Sometimes when I’m happy too, as a reminder to enjoy it because happiness is not everlasting either.  If you suffer from anxiety, or if you just find yourself really stressed out, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, clench your fists, and repeat out loud, “the feeling is fleeting,” and maybe it will work for you too.

Surfing is one of my favorite past times for many reasons.  One of which is that you are in the moment.  I really suck at living in the moment.  I’m trying to get better at it. I really am.  With stand-up, sometimes I’m in the moment, sometimes I’m not.  But I can tell you for certain, the times on stage when I am in the moment are not only my favorite sets, but generally I do better as a performer.  The audience doesn’t know what they’re seeing is me enjoying that very moment, but they can feel it, and they respond to that, even though they don’t know it.

Two months, no panic attacks.  Wow.  See, that impresses me.  Last year was not my year.  I fell into a depression that really took a toll on me.  Even when I pulled myself out of it, the recovery still took months for me to feel like me again.  I’m don’t know if depression is a disease.  Either way, healing from it is like recovering from a disease or physical injury.  It takes time for your mind to get back to it’s healthy self again.

Sometime in the summer, I started mentally slipping again.  If you read my blogs frequently, you could tell from some of my posts during that time that I was pretty blue.  We’re not entitled to happiness.  Down phases are a part of life, and maybe a little more a part of mine because I’m an artistic, introspective recluse.  But I couldn’t handle what I went through last year.  Changes were made.

Right now, I do stand-up almost every night, I work part time in an office, I do background work for film and television, I have a freelance writing job for a website, and I work on writing my own scripts.  I’m broke as hell, because none of those jobs pay particularly well.  I’m busy.  I’m behind on my deadlines.  I’m stressed.  I have very little social life.  And you know what?  I’m really happy.  I mean, really really healthy and confident, and full of good spirits.  Creatively, I feel on.  I’m doing what I’m passionate about.  I feel great.

Money is my biggest stress right now, but I’m getting by.  I was raised by folks who love security.  I get it.  Knowing you’re going to make X amount of dollars and that you’re going to be able to pay all your bills, eat three hearty meals a day, and maybe even save a little for a trip to Caribbean is a great feeling.  It’s safe.  There’s comfort it.  It’s one less thing to stress about.  But I can’t do it.  I feel trapped.  I lasted six months in my regular full time job.  I work more hours now, but for some reason, that steadiness made me feel like I had a lack of freedom which was making me batshit insane.  Now, I have more freedom to flex my schedule, but I have no security.  That’s the price of freedom and also the price of my sanity.

But it’s working.  The only reason I know this is because I haven’t had a panic attack in two months.  There’s hope for me yet! I’m not a lost cause.  What a great feeling: freedom swirled with a cool confidence.  I feel like the person I’ve been pretending to be for years.  And I’m enjoying it.  I’m learning from my past mistakes.  My eyes aren’t closed.  They’re wide open.  I’m breathing the world in, with a grin, because I know the feeling is fleeting.