Silly Sketch

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• September 30, 2024

One of the most iconic comedy shows, and an inspiration to many comedians, just turned 50. Like most comedians, I grew up watching and worshiping the show. I have applied/submitted writing packets to show I think six times? Unfortunately, I’ve never been hired. But I decided to share a sketch I wrote from my most recent submission to give you guys a little glimpse into my sick head. So… when you submit a writing packet for SNL, you are instructed to “cast” your sketch with current characters and/or the host. I quickly reformatted this from a Final Draft document if it looks screwy, that’s why. Anyway, I hope you can picture the casting in your head and have a laugh.

“NEW KID IN THE BODY” — JAMES, CHLOE, HOST, BOWEN, KENAN, MICHAEL, MOLLY, DEVON

INT. SURGICAL ROOM – DAY

MOLLY and DEVON are surgeons operating on a body (mannequin).

MOLLY
We’re done here. The patient is stable.

DEVON
Good work, doctor. Hopefully the body accepts the new kidney. Would you accept my invite to dinner.

MOLLY
For the hundredth time, I don’t date your kind.

DEVON
Black people?

MOLLY
No, men.

CUT TO:

INT. BODY – CONTINUOUS

We cut to “inside” the body. All the actors are dressed as organs. JAMES is the New Kidney. CHLOE is the Heart. The HOST is the Liver. BOWEN is the Stomach. KENAN is the Large Intestine. MICHAEL is the Small Intestine.
James/Kidney opens his eyes, kind of like a new born.

KENAN/LARGE INTESTINE
It’s him. He’s here.

BOWEN/STOMACH
The new kid!

HOST/LIVER
He’s ugly.

CHLOE/HEART
All kidneys look like that!

HOST/LIVER
And they’re all ugly!

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
I’m gonna miss the old kidney.

KENAN/LARGE INTESTINE
Did anyone ask you, small intestine? You speak when I tell you to.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
Sorry. I’m so sorry.

CHLOE/HEART
Hey, Kidney Kid. Can you hear us.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Um… yes. Where am I?

CHLOE/HEART
You’re inside the body of Matthew George. You’re a transplant.

BOWEN/STOMACH
And you replaced a really special kidney, so you better be cool, Kid.

KENAN/LARGE INTESTINE
I mean, he wasn’t THAT special, he was literally failing. Kidney’s have like one job. I have a so many jobs. Including propelling feces.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
I help in that.

KENAN/LARGE INTESTINE
You will speak when spoken to, you hear.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
Sorry. I’m so sorry.

CHLOE/HEART
New Kid. Tell us a little about yourself.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Well. I’m a kidney. And I’m just grateful to be here with you fine folks to help out the body URINE.

HOST/LIVER
Oh my god, was that a pun. A PUN?!
Host/Liver takes out a flask and starts drinking.

BOWEN/STOMACH
Take it down a notch, liver.

HOST/LIVER
Pipe down stomach. I’m a regenerating organ. I can handle booze. Stomach, you can’t even handle ice cream. It’s pathetic.

BOWEN/STOMACH
People live for their stomachs. They spend all day looking at food pics on social media.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
I mean, that’s only after they’ve watched porn.

ALL BUT KIDNEY
Shut up Small Intestine!

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
Sorry. I’m so sorry.

JAMES/KIDNEY
I’m a little nervous. What if this body rejects me.

CHLOE/HEART
Aww… don’t worry, honey. Rejection rates are only like 10% so don’t worry your bean shaped self about it.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Thanks, Heart. You’re so kind.

HOST/LIVER
Yeah. She’s a real sweetheart until you date her, and then she’s colder than a frost bitten toe.

CHLOE/HEART
You’re drunk, Liver! That’s why it didn’t work out. And you think you’re better than everyone!

HOST/LIVER
I am better than you all! I’m an evolutionary wonder! Look at this!

Liver pulls out a knife and cuts off a piece of himself. Everyone watches in horror. Stomach screams.

BOWEN/STOMACH
I can’t stomach this.

Stomach throws up. Liver laughs maniacally.

CHLOE/HEART
Stop it!

Liver bleeds but then grows back.

HOST/LIVER
See that, new Kid. Don’t mess with me. I’m like a starfish.

JAMES/KIDNEY
I believe you! Just please stop!

KENAN/LARGE INTESTINE
C’mon dude, you’re scaring the new kid.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
I’m scared too!

Large Intestine gives Small Intestine a look.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
Sorry. I’m so sorry.

CHLOE/HEART
Please don’t mind, Liver, new Kid. He used to be pretty close with the original kidney. He’ll warm up to you.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
Yeah. He’ll warm up like the fever of someone who has the Bubonic Plague.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Shut up, Small Intestine!

Large Intestine gives New Kid a high five.

BOWEN/STOMACH
Tell us a little about your original body. Did they die in a freak accident or was it a loved one who offered to save our body’s life.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Um…
(thinking)
I don’t really remember. All seemed to be going well and then, we all got woozy and tried. Then, I was freezing, and I saw the body in a bathtub on ice.

All stare of at New Kid.

BOWEN/STOMACH
So… you were harvested on the black market.
Stomach pukes again.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Oh no! Do you think the rest of the organs are okay?

CHLOE/HEART
I’m sure they are.

MICHAEL/SMALL INTESTINE
Unlikely.

CHLOE/HEART
Shut. Up. Small Intestine.

KENAN/LARGE INTESTINE
New Kid. Do you have any questions for us.

JAMES/KIDNEY
Yeah… I do actually. Liver… where did you get a knife.

Liver holds the knife, smiling like a psycho.

HOST/LIVER
Oh this. I just found right after you arrived.

INT. SURGICAL ROOM – DAY

Molly and Devon are washing their hands.

MOLLY
Hey, did you see my scalpel?

A beat.

DEVON
Oh crap.

FADE OUT.