The “Batty” Mobile

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• March 23, 2022

I’m a pretty firm believer that we don’t own things, our things own us. So allow me to introduce you to my new owner:

It’s Batty. The “Batty” Mobile. And she’s dead sexy!!! I’m in love with her, I’m pretty sure.

My family has a car thing. I don’t know why. We just like cars a lot. Even though I don’t consider my family materialistic overall, when it comes to our vehicles, we care a lot.

This is the third vehicle I’ve ever owned, and probably my favorite so far. First, there was “Betsy Lou,” a 2001 Nissan Altima. We had many adventures together. I loved Betsy. I was tearful when I traded her away (but her time was up, she died on me while driving her). Then, there was “SS Lou,” which was short for “Space Ship Lou,” because the Hyundai Accent reminded me of a little spaceship.

I never loved SS Lou the way I loved Betsy, though she was good to me. It was a practical car. I also got SS Lou new, and financed her. SS Lou was a 2014 model with over 100,000 miles on her. I drive too much for comedy to lease a car. And I have no interest in buying older used cars because as a female who travels alone a lot, it’s not worth me risking having a car that’s going to break down at 2am when I’m driving home from wherever the fuck Pennsylvania.

Last year, when my dad was in town, we went to some dealerships to look at cars. Once a car has hit it’s five year mark, dad being a dad is always like, “you should think about a new car.” This was hilarious when he brought this up in 2020 when I was literally on the verge of homelessness. I was like, “dad, I’m about to move into my Hyundai Accent. I’m not making any money.” Low and behold, only two years later, I was able to get a brand new Jeep. As you get older, I guess you just learn how much life really is like the ocean, always moving. The dealers at the dealerships basically told me not to buy a car right now, as inventory was null. It was weird to go to a dealership and have people tell you not to buy anything from them.

Even though cars are expensive right now, used car prices have never been higher. My 2014 Hyundai was worth more now in 2022 than it was in 2020 (crazy, right?). With the trade in, my new job, no other debt, and some saved dollars, the timing for a car loan for me was not terrible.

My brother used to make fun of my Hyundai so much. He would yell at me for parking it in his driveway, “get that car out of in front of my house, it’s a total bummer. It makes people sad!”

My friends defended me, saying that my family has a weird obsession with cars. Later, my buddy (who is also a comic) was in my brother’s Cadillac and he texted me, “I take it back. Your brother is right. Your car is a total bummer.”

Let’s talk about my dealership experience, which was not great. One of my friend’s came with me to the dealership because I am notoriously bad at negotiating and I’m also bad at math (when I bought the Hyundai, even though my Dad was with me, the finance guy swindled in over $1000 of charges that were said to be waived. This led to multiple screaming matches between me and the manager at that Hyundai dealership. My dad said he had never seen that side of me and was proud of me for standing up for myself. Buyer beware at the Hyundai dealership in West Islip on Long Island).

Buyer also beware at Jeep/Crystler in Westbury, Long Island. However, I think we’re all savvy enough to not trust car dealerships at this point. I wasn’t going to buy a car in Queens or NYC. Long Island makes sense for me because I’m out there a lot anyway, and I trust them slightly more when it comes to car troubles. Also, the Jeep dealership in Westbury has the best rating of any Jeep dealership on the East coast.

The Jeep Renegade was the car I was interested in. I had already looked at it at another dealership. The Renegade is small car, which is necessary for me because I street park in Queens. I don’t want a large vehicle. But it is like a mini SUV, and I never had a car that sits up a little higher like that. I love the feel of it while driving.

The sales guy, Randy (and I’m using actual names here, I don’t give a care) was fine, if not a little aloof. He wasn’t, however, pushy, which I appreciate.

My big problem was with the finance woman, Amy. Already, I don’t trust finance people. She was extremely pushy and patronizing when I had questions about the itemized bill which didn’t make sense to me (I swear they make those things purposefully confusing). Furthermore, I initially agreed to the extended warranty, which would cover bumper to bumper for five years. Jeep, as a manufacturer, has 3 years bumper to bumper, and 5 years (or 60,000 miles) mechanical coverage but it doesn’t cover electric issues. So, in reality, the extended warranty was only for two extra years and cost $3000. I thought on this further and decided I didn’t want the extended warranty. She was a complete bitch about it, and went as far as complaining that she will “have to re-print all this paper work.” Bitch, that’s your job.

It took a tremendous amount of strength for me to not unleash on her. She wore tight leather pants, had a ton of make up and hair extensions. It was at the tip of my tongue to say, “why should I trust you. Look at yourself. You’re a Kardashian wannabe. You’re clearly a fake person just by looking at you.”

I didn’t say this, however. But I am saying it now (muhahaha). You never really want to get in a spatting match with me. I’m a professional writer. I’m extremely well read in psychology. I can usually easily pick up on people’s insecurities. By nature, I am not a confrontational person. But don’t “at me,” as the kids say. My bark can be stronger than a bite.

Then, my friend and I were doing a once over on the car (which had less than 40 miles on it) and found a nail in the tire. They didn’t have the tire in stock, so I couldn’t take it home that day. This is annoying, but fine. Nails in tires happen. I get it.

This is where we became aggravated. While the car was running, I noticed a drip in the back of vehicle. I know, of course, that AC causes precipitation drips usually in the front of the car. But when I looked under, it looked like water was spewing out of the side of the muffler. My friend/coach with me knows more about cars than I do, and they also didn’t really know what to make of it. We brought this up to Randy who said they would have someone look at it. My friend demanded to talk to a manager.

The Manager came over and told us there was nothing wrong with it.

“Did you look at it?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know there’s nothing wrong with it?”

“We had our expert look at it.”

“Okay. So can we talk to this expert.”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“They’re busy.”

“They can’t just meet us by the car and ease our worries?”

“No.”

We went around in circles like this. Anyway, I had to leave without the car anyway because of the tire, which gave me some time to investigate. My friend went to another Jeep dealership and acted like a mechanic. I also called people who know more about cars, including my dad. We discovered the newer Renegade models have something called a “weep hole” which helps the muffler drain (this was a problem in older models). This was good news because it meant there was nothing wrong with the car. But this also means the Manager straight up lied to our faces. Because if one of her “experts” did look at the car, they would have been like, “oh that’s a weep hole and this is why it exists.”

When I returned to buy the car (my friend came with again to double check the paperwork since we both loathed the finance woman at that point), I taught the sales guy what a weep hole was. I explained that I understand as a sales person, you don’t know everything about how a car works (as I consumer, I don’t!) but they should know more and moreover, they should blatantly lie to their customers. “This is why,” I said to him, “no offense to you personally, that people hate dealerships and don’t trust you.”

So now I have a 5 year car loan I hope I’m able to pay off in 3. The trouble with my line of work is I never really know how much money I’m going to make, but I think having a nice car is more than a luxury, it’s actually important for my career and well being, as I love the freedom of having a vehicle and not relying on public transit.

I am very pleased with the vehicle itself. Even my brother is impressed (haha). The Batty Mobile and the Batty girl fit each other. I very much look forward to our adventures together.