The Secret Safe

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• July 5, 2021

Despite the fact that I swore off all bridal and baby showers for the rest of my life, I’ve already recently been to a couple. But of course I’m not going to miss the baby shower for my nephew, or my cousin-to-be bridal shower. However, if you’ve invited me to a shower, please don’t be offended if I’m not going to come. People forget that I work weekends. Sunday starts my week for my radio writing job and it’s likely I’ve worked all weekend gig wise. So leave me alone.

The last (any maybe the last ever?) bridal shower I went to was for my cousin Brian’s now wife, Christine. It was at Captain Bills in Bayshore, on the water, and, as fate would have it, a catering hall I worked at for a year in my teens. Three years working in catering, wedding after wedding, bridal and baby showers, sweet sixteens, bar mitzvahs, and anniversaries, burned me out on these occasions even before I started attending them.

This shower was on my 32nd birthday. Christine had consulted me beforehand if it was okay (she’s highly considerate like this) and I was like, “I’m turning 32, I literally do not give a fuck about my birthday anymore, I may, however, use this as an excuse to leave a little early.”

It was joyful occasion. Especially after a year of not really seeing people, it was momentous to see the smiling faces of friends and family.

Like pretty much any shower you’ll go to, there were cards where guests were to write “advice for the new couple.” As a writer, I could think up some awe inspiring prose for the new couple. But as a comedian, I’d rather make mischief. Plus, I’m going to be there for them every step of the way of their life. They are stuck with me lecturing them whether they ask for advice or like it.

So I wrote on my card, “whatever you do, DO NOT ask Brian about the secret safe.” I then got extra cards and recruited the people at my table to write something about the secret safe. I only have atrocious handwriting so I got my sister to write stuff in different hand writings. “Don’t even worry about the secret safe.” “It’s best for your relationship if the secret safe isn’t discussed.” “Ignore the secret safe.” You get it.

We were all giggling like lunatics at the table writing this stuff as most of the party is engaged in the gift opening.

The following day, I get a text from Christine. “We know you’re behind the secret safe.”

They said, when they saw the first card they chuckled and were like, “okay.” By the fourth or fifth card about the secret safe, they were like, “what’s happening.” The groom was perplexed. He thought it was some hidden message or a reference to a movie. He was googling ‘secret safe’ and trying to uncover the meaning of this mystery which was, literally, meaningless. Eventually, after like a dozen cards mentioning the secret safe they figured it out: this is Lori’s doing.

Of course it was.

Thus, that’s the secret to the safe— just a prankster who gets a little bored sometimes and finds ways to entertain herself at the expense of a joke on someone else. If I do happen to be at a shower of yours, expect something similar