THINGS SANTA DIDN’T GET ME

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• December 26, 2023

Despite my repeated letters and being an absolute angel of a human (this is still under review, and being a “good” person is kind of a sliding scale anyway), I did NOT get the main things I wanted for Christmas. It’s like Santa might not even be real or something. Because the things I asked for were for the good of humanity— well, mostly for the good of me that would have also benefited others. But alas, I guess I try again next year. Here were my Christmas wishes that were not granted.

First, and foremost, the number one thing I wanted for Christmas, more than world peace, not as much as I want to sell my screenplays, but what I really, really want (like the Spicegirls song) was for the red light and speeding cameras in my neighborhood (and everywhere) to be obliterated. I politely wrote Santa that when he fly over Astoria, he just have one of his reindeer kick those stupid cameras, specifically the one on Hoyt Ave near the bridge, so that is broken and stops ticketing me when it’s late at night and I forget it’s 25mph and not 35mph. Also, no right on red cameras that get you late at night. I just want these to cease to exist for the good of humanity and my wallet. I even asked, if it too much an ask to take out these cameras himself, that Santa arm me with some unmarked guns and disguise gear and I’ll go take them out myself. These guns would never be used on people. Only robots. And only robots that are taking pictures of my license and sending me bills.

The second thing on my list was that Uber cars stop overwhelmingly smell like bad incense. Sure, it’s not all of them. But a good 25% of Ubers in NYC (is it everywhere?) smell unbearably like incense that make my eyes water, my nose sneeze, and makes me car sick. This needs to end. You know the smell is strong and bad when it makes me near sick, because I don’t even have a good sense of smell!

Third. Eradicate all bed bugs. I’ve previously requested that the mosquito be annihilated, man’s number one enemy (seriously, mosquitos kill more people every year than… well… people), but biologists do insist on their importance in the eco system. Though scientists and Lori both agree that the world does not need bed bugs. It would not impact the eco system negatively at all. I once had bed bugs, and while my experience was rather mild and eradicated in one spraying, it near broke me mentally (and by near, I mean completely, I literally told my my (while crying) that I was going to commit myself to a mental institution because I couldn’t sleep at all and I was too afraid to visit anyone in case of spreading bed bugs, so I was isolated and insane). I know Santa, your deal isn’t to eliminate things, you’re not an exterminator nor an assassin (though assassin Santa Claus sounds like an action movie I should write) so I understand why you didn’t fulfill this, even though it would be the best thing for humanity right after world peace.

Fourth, a treasure map to Captain Kidd’s loot. The real one. None of this elf made kid bull shit. I know he has a lost treasure, and I’m not asking for the gold or even the location. Just a legit map I can obsess over and abandon all my writing and comedy dreams for and just become a person obsessing over a map, who eventually dies trying to find it while going broke and missing their friends and family, but ultimately, even though everyone thought I had finally lost what’s left of my sanity and was in a manic episode, one of the nephews or niece goes through my old notebooks and figures out a clue and then they find the treasure and become rich, and they live happily ever after even though I died in a booby trap or from a mosquito borne illness in the Caribbean searching for the treasure (I told you these mosquitos are lethal).

And fifth and finally. A light saber. No explanation needed.